Excuse Me, Is That Your Blog?

...without a dope post to step to.

So Turk and I have been unbelievably busy at the think tank that shall not be named. But we're back and we're revving up a couple bad-ass pieces to launch this holiday season.

First, you thought Festivus was cool, wait until you experience OBAMADAN!!!

Then, forget Time Magazine's "Person of the Year", we're going to unveil ITYB's "Asshat of the Year" for 2008. We'd love your input! Vote for your favorite moron in our new poll.

One of the most groundbreaking discoveries in public health research was John Snow’s 1854 study on the cholera epidemic in London, in which he traced the disease to a contaminated water supply. Snow’s findings prompted the construction of new sewage systems and advancements in hygienic practices throughout the developed world. Unfortunately, 1.1 billion people still lack access to safe water and 2.6 billion live in areas without proper sanitation.[1] Cholera and other preventable infectious diseases continue to plague (and yes, THE plague is still around believe it or not) third world countries in Africa and Southwest Asia. The World Health Organization, which has a hilarious way of spelling “diarrhea” (diarrhoea), reported over 130,000 cases of cholera in 2005[2].

In the past few months, a severe cholera outbreak has emerged in Zimbabwe. The country has been experiencing major political turmoil since a hotly contested campaign between Robert Mugabe and Morgan Tsvangirai in March. While the later won more votes, he did not secure the 50% needed for a conclusive victory, prompting a runoff election this summer. However reports of corruption, intimidation, and suppression on the part of Mugabe loyalists caused Tsvangirai to pull out of the election. Despite calls for resignation from fellow African leaders, and sanctions from Western nations, Mugabe refuses to concede. As he clutches to power, infrastructure and services in the country have been deteriorating, hence the current sanitation problems causing the cholera epidemic.

It is reprehensible that in 2008, with all the advances in modern medicine, there should be even one case of diseases like cholera, let alone thousands. While Americans are dying from “Western” diseases of overconsumption, such as diabetes, people in third world nations are dying from viruses that have been completely eradicated in developed nations. It makes me furious. In fact I’m burning mad, almost as if I had cholera myself.

The US has basically been mum while Mugabe has presided over a dictatorship of hyperinflation and epidemic, leaving the people of Zimbabwe economically and physically decimated. If our rational behind the war in Iraq was to free the Iraqi people from the atrocities of Saddam Hussein, why aren’t we equally if not more concerned about Mugabe’s misdeeds? Well, as Kanye West once opined, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.” We haven’t intervened in the abhorrent violence and abuse taking place right now in the Sudan or Democratic Republic of Congo, so why should Zimbabwe deserve special attention? It reminds me of the George Washington video that was a YouTube sensation a couple years ago, in which our first president is depicted reading a newspaper while a lion devours a British kid. We’ll save children, but not the African children.

I hope that our first African-American president will get in touch with his Kenyan roots and have sympathy for a continent that suffers more than the average American can even comprehend. Instead of sending our troops to pillage for oil in countries that pose no threat to our security, we should deploy them strategically to help the truly defenseless people in third-world nations like Zimbabwe. Dictatorships like Mugabe’s are the real weapons of mass destruction, as they wreck infrastructure and economies and perpetuate abject poverty. We can’t call ourselves the champions of freedom when we pick our battles so discriminately.

[1] World Health Organization. The world health report 2007: a safer future: global public health security in the 21st century. http://www.who.int/whr/2007/whr07_en.pdf.
[2] World Health Organization. Weekly epidemiological record. 4 AUGUST 2006, No. 31, 2006, 81, 297–308.

So the Sober Pundit and I were talking today about how the christ we're going to get home for Thanksgiving. We were lamenting the lack of reasonably priced transit options for car-free individuals. It sucks for me, because I basically have to rely on friends with cars to get back to Cleveland unless I wanna shell out $300 bucks for a plane ticket or spend nearly as much on the goddamn Amtrak only to arrive six hours late and drunk off booze bought by some crazy AWOL Army man (true story). SP's got it a bit easier, being from Philly, but her options aren't much better. Not wanting to deal with the trials an tribulations of the Chinatown bus, she's decided to take the Greyhound. Here's to hoping her fear of being stabbed, decapitated and eaten doesn't come to fruition.

I really do enjoy living without a car here in DC, but there are certain times like these when it would be really nice to have one and not have to get raped paying for inefficient, shitty transit options. A rational person would tell me to suck it up and acknowledge that this is the price I pay for embracing and relying on mass transit without owning a car. But fuck that, I'm gonna bitch anyway.

The US really needs to get its shit together when it comes to transit. As much as I hate to admit it, those snobby European pricks got it right a lot sooner than we did on this front. Of course it was probably easy for them to focus on since the entire continent has produced nothing of significant cultural or economic value since before WWII (and don't try to present a rational argument to me about the Euro or any of that other pansy bullshit -- Europe basically exists to get bratty, self-entitled white kids out of their parents' hair during their college or post-college years).

So who can we look to to solve our transit woes? Well fear not, good citizens. Once The Obama comes to power and takes everyone’s cars and gives the highways back to nature, there will be a Metro straight from DC to anywhere we could possibly wanna go. Then we will still get pissed when we have to wait 19 goddamn minutes for the next Alabaster Line train to Seattle or when the trains to Mecca are packed on Obamadaan and they're only running four-cars.

Getting home for the holidays will be that much sweeter.

In classic EMITYB style, I come to you three days late with my reactions to Tuesday night’s election. I mean fuck it, it doesn’t have to be timely if it’s snarky, right?

Anyway, so it’s official. The terrorists have won. As one distraught American (my aunt) put it, “it’s a shame our children will have to be raised socialists and all our babies will be killed.” Yes, folks, Barack Obama is or 44th president. Enjoy these last few months of freedom, because the Red Dawn is upon us.


As I sat and watched CNN interview Will.I.Am on their fancy Star Trek hologram machine I realized for certain that this was going to be a new America (Personally, I feel like if CNN was going to interview someone so fucking insignificant and irrelevant to the election, and it had to be a Black Eyed Pea, it would have been much funnier to have Fergie there, stung out on crystal meth and wetting her pants while attempting to enumerate the virtues of an Obama presidency). After watching president-for-life-elect Obama deliver the first of his many victory speeches to the new American proletariat in Chicago, I dashed downstairs an took the first cab I could find to Coruscant/The White House to participate in the felling of the statue of Palpatine and then headed out to the drunken Ewok afterparty watched over by the floating apparitions Lincoln, FDR and JFK.




In clebration of such an historic event, word has it that within the next couple of weeks, every American will receive an Obama care package in the mail, in lieu of an economic stimulus check. It will be his first attempt to spread the “wealth,” while safely guarding all the nation’s food, money, rubies and gold to finance the construction of gay communist madrassahs across the country for early indoctrination of our children. The care package will contain:

• 1 bottle chardonnay
• 1 voucher for fresh, organic arugula at the closest local farmer’s market
• 1 iPod nano, special FEIST edition
• 1 MacBook Pro
• 1 literary starter two-pack containing Mao’s “Little Red Book” and the Koran
• Lifetime subscription to Pravda, The New York Times
  
• 1 Che Guevara Fathead

While America took a giant step forward this week by electing its first African-American president, three states took a giant step back. Voters in Arizona, Florida, and even the liberal bastion of California approved ballot measures amending their constitutions to ban same-sex marriage. How one can resolve the cognitive dissonance of voting for Obama but against equality for LGBT people, as many in California and Florida clearly did, is beyond me. Conservatives forced these repressive initiatives to the polls using euphemisms such as “protecting marriage” and “saving the children”. But let’s face it, what it really amounts to is fear.

I don’t know why so many people in America still hate gay people. I suspect that a great deal of these bigots have issues surrounding their own sexuality, and project that anger onto innocent homosexuals who simply want to be recognized as human beings. They are scared of themselves; therefore they are scared of gays. The others are simply ignorant. Having never been exposed to the GLBT community in their presumably rural, backwater towns, they have a visceral reaction to the idea of men kissing other men (and you know it’s really only the man on man action that disturbs them, for they probably own several lesbian porno flicks).

Naturally, the proponents of Proposition h8te and the other anti-gay initiatives will not admit that they are motivated by fear. Instead they cultivate fear in regular citizens by making them think that their livelihood is under attack – that the Donna Reed heterosexual marriages of lore are somehow invalidated because Harry met Harry instead of Sally. The right wing fiercely clings to the “sacred institution” of marriage as if it’s a divine relationship beyond reproach. Never mind the fact that over half of marriages end in divorce, and countless others are marred by physical, verbal, and substance abuse, infidelity, financial exploitation, and good old fashioned codependence. They also neglect to mention that marriage is a secular contract recognized by the state for legal purposes. It may be celebrated in a religious ceremony if the couple chooses to do so, but truthfully the only “requirement” for marriage is showing up at city hall to get a license.

So whatever excuses anti-gay people concoct in their twisted efforts to ban gay marriage, the truth of the matter is that they are scared. Instead of doing what most people do when they have a phobia – avoid it or take Xanax – the conservatives march their irrational fears all the way to the Secretary of State. They whine to voters like babies in soiled diapers, expecting to be coddled with prejudiced Constitutional amendments.

Well if we’re going to start passing public policies based on fear and discomfort, then I have an agenda of my own:

1) Ban Ferris Wheels. They are scary. I threw up on my friend once in a Ferris Wheel. She didn’t believe I was afraid of heights. I showed her! No more will these menacing machines of death be a harbinger of spring carnivals. Hoodlums on the Santa Monica Pier will have to knife fight by the Tilt-a-Whirl now.
2) Ban Ski Lifts. Again, being up high in an insecure seat wobbling to and fro is basically my idea of hell. Sorry Aspen, you’re going down.
3) While we’re at it, ban ALL heights. Let’s demolish all buildings above 1 story, and require all new buildings to be no higher. Sure things are going to get tight, and that brings me to my next item.
4) Ban all public gatherings. I am agoraphobic as well as acrophobic (best of both worlds-w00t!). The only words that come to mind when I see more than 5 or 6 people standing together are “stampede” and “infectious disease.”
5) Ban cockroaches. All houses and business must be thoroughly doused by pest control professionals to eradicate all roaches. (Fortunately the buildings will only be one story high at this point.) While the exterminators are at it, they should get the rats too - they are nasty. Cops will be directed to immediately open fire on any of these horrific creatures that happen to survive.
6) Ban Suzuki commercials. That little “zoom zoom” kid creeps me out.
7) Ban clowns. Do I even need to explain this one?

In conjunction with the fear factor is the “eeeew” factor. Some people oppose GLBT rights because they are grossed out by the mere thought of these people expressing their love for one another, despite the fact that the behavior of GLBT folks doesn’t affect them in the slightest. So in this vein, the following things must also be outlawed on account of me finding them disgusting:

1) Muffin topping – 4 years in prison and a $10,000 fine.
2) Farting, nose-picking, and coughing up phlegm – 3 years of forced manual labor and an additional 1 year of community service, preferably in the psych ward of a public hospital.
3) Old people sex - $5,000,000 fine (mostly to pay my therapy bills) and mandatory participation in a 12-step program.
4) Mullets – The death penalty.

I hope that by listing these examples, I have demonstrated the logical fallacy and ridiculousness of passing public policy based on irrational fears. I suggest that the people who opposes gay marriage take a good look at themselves and figure out what is really bothering them, and work on those issues instead of taking out their fear on innocent people. For when the government starts interfering in the private lives of its citizens simply because some voters oppose certain lifestyles, there is no telling where the slippery slope will lead. And THAT my friends, is something to be afraid of.

If I hear one more goddamn person talk about their overseas adventures in a way that sounds nonchalant but is really meant to come off like "OMG-I'm-so-much-more-cultured-than-you!!!" I'm gonna lose it. I realize this is totally off the cuff and random and ranty, but I overheard a girl in the lobby of my apartment today -- dressed, of course, in full OMG FITNESS attire -- insipidly chatting with her uninterested workout buddy about the amount of bugs they encountered on their recent camping trip. That's when she busted out this gem:

"OMIGOD when I was in Guyana, there were so many flies it was SO GROSS, and I thought Guyana was cool at first but, like, that's just cuz it was my first time overseas and, actually it was, like, really ghetto."

In case you're unclear as to where this rant is going, let me break it down for ya: nobody gives a fuck where you've been. Traveling abroad is, in all seriousness, a wonderful and enriching experience. Everyone who has the opportunity should do it. That said, please realize that a) EVERYONE in DC has some TOTALLY FASCINATING story about their trip abroad and b) not everyone has the money/opportunity to take a year to just dick off in Europe or Africa for no good reason, so talking about your experience unsolicited -- especially in that "OMG" tone -- makes you sound like a douche even if you aren't one, and an even bigger douche if you already are.

Anyway, rant over. Just had to get that out, because it totally reminded me of this one time I was swarmed with mosquitoes in a bazaar in the ancient walled city of Khiva during my internship in Uzbekistan.

Consider all the recent economic turmoil. Banks being bailed out. Wall Street crashing. Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria. Sound familiar? Sounds like 1929 to me. Eerily, it's like, exactly 79 years since the Great Depression. And you know what they say about the number 79. Oh, you don't? Nevermind. Anyway, all this talk about ECONOMIC CRISIS and FINANCIAL COLLAPSE got us thinkin' - what would another Great Depression look like in 2008?

First off, it wouldn't simply be called the Second Great Depression. Our generation is much too clever for that (Iraq War? War on Terrorism? Doesn't get much snappier than that!). No, it'd be something witty and uniquely descriptive, something along the lines of Great Depression II: XTREME ULTIMATE DEPRESSION. I can just smell the zipping Fox News graphics. Wolf Blitzer will be fired for devouring Anderson Cooper amidst all the excitement (and also because he sucks).




And just think of all the awful hardships we'll suffer if this thing really does hit rock bottom. There will be bank runs, until people realize all the high-yield online bank accounts they considered to be shrewd investments have simply deleted their websites and disappeared their money into the ether (FDIC-ya!). Left with nowhere to turn but the stack of Euros stashed in their mattresses (converted from dollars after a semester abroad in Europe opened their eyes to the futility of the dollar), people will start to consider Starbucks venti soy lattes a luxury rather than a necessity, and be forced to ration them accordingly. Jilted K Street lobbyists will be forced to drive wheelbarrows full of cash to the cupcake shop in Georgetown for just one shot of icing, and Anne Taylor stores will be looted and ravaged as feral trophy girlfriends revert to their primal instincts in the face of crippling economic hardship (better than having to shop at H&M!). Imagine the GDII:XUD bread lines: scores of self-entitled little hillrats bitching about the lack of low-carb, locally produced, organic handouts while updating their Twitters and Facebook statuses with snarky complaints from their iPhones and Blackberries.




Then there's the sad prospect of all these upstanding citizens foreclosing on their homes and being forced under bridges and into the city as their suburban condos burn down in riotous flames. Forget about the fabled "Purple Line" and "Southeast Waterfront" - there will be no economic development in DC (which sucks, because we were really looking forward to hitting up Bed, Bath and Beyond after Nats games). Picture these new "McCainburghs:" lean-tos made from gore-tex backpacks and camping material, set up next to wifi hotspots (and you thought Tryst's service was slow now!).




The privileged few who manage to retain their off-Columbia Heights rowhouses will have to survive by selling bathtub craft beer (Blue Moonshine). In a poetic reversal of fortune, yuppie couples hoisting oddly-named children in Baby Bjorns will have to join the El Salvadorian immigrants they once hired to build their decks in the wandering pursuit of employment. Boutique ethnic restaurants and pretentious eateries with monosyllabic names will be forced to close, as residents will no longer be able to afford fancy meals (The Crepes of Wrath).

Horrible things to consider, indeed - but will there be an FDR to save us this time around?




We certainly hope Obama will win next week and hit us up with a bitchin' "Nuevo Deal." If so, we are TOTALLY applying for jobs with the Tennessee Valley Authority! Unfortunately, the only other option we have to rescue our asses besides a GOP smackdown is another World War, and that would be extremely, ultimately depressing.





~ T & SP

Hi folks. I’m sorry I’ve been M.I.A. I’ve had a rough month, including but not limited to a breakup, moving, and studying for the GREs. But I thought I’d take a time out to discuss something that has been on my mind for quite a while.

There is an abominable mob sweeping the DC metropolitan area like a plague of locusts. If you happen to walk to any Metro station to commute to work, or even meander a block from your residence to get Starbucks, you will fall prey to its nefarious clutches. No one is immune to the harassment of this diabolical syndicate.

I am referring, of course, to DNC and Greenpeace field organizers.

What’s so bad about the DNC or Greenspeace, you may ask? Aren’t they generally liberal, peace-loving people who want to save humanity and the earth? Yes, they are. But the strategy they employ to pursue these otherwise benign causes is to station extroverted, loud, and persistent activists with clipboards at busy intersections to guilt trip the populace into donating cash. I hate them.

I work hard for a living, and it happens to be in a field that promotes many of the ideals DNC and Greenpeace support: public health. After spending 40 hours a week examining options to improve and expand health care, and preparing the nation for various public health emergencies, the last thing I want to do is talk to some cocksure 22-year old telling me the world is going to end if I don’t give him $25. (It would at least be funny if he asked for “about $3.50.”) These young zealots spout cliché talking points that demonstrate a sophomoric level of understanding of the issues, alienating would-be supporters. Moreover, it is virtually impossible to endear people to a cause while bombarding them after a long day at work, and it’s equally counterintuitive to pester them on a weekend off from their strenuous jobs. To add insult to injury, the activists try to make you feel ashamed if you don’t contribute, shouting things like, “Donate to Obama or we’ll have another 4 years of Bush”, “Put your money where your mouth is if you care about the Earth”, and “Not giving us cash makes the baby Jesus cry!” Okay maybe the last example was an exaggeration, but who wants to be blamed for the economy being in the shitter and the environment being laid to waste? There are far more constructive and effective things people can do to make a difference in the world besides donating to Political Action Committees.

In addition to the pure annoyance of these clipboard-carrying gadflies, I am also incensed by the lack of respect for financial privacy. If I want to donate to Obama, I can find his goddamn website on my own and enter my credit card digits in the privacy of my own home or cube. It is nobody’s business how I spend my money, least of all a meddling young adult who doesn’t have a firm enough grasp of the real world to appreciate the trade-offs people face when budgeting for life’s myriad expenses.

That brings me to my next point: HELLO?! RECECESSION MUCH?! I am trying to pay my rent, feed myself, and get myself to and from work, all of which cost significant amounts of a money, during an economic crisis with skyrocketing prices and stagnant wages. No matter how much I love Obama and freedom and peace and nature, I have to survive first and foremost to appreciate any of these things. One would think that the side trying to undo all of this damage and oust the Bush administration would be sympathetic to my plight, but instead they try to squeeze non-existent disposable income out of me. Well keep squeezing, you ain’t gonna find a drop.

The thing that upsets me most about getting harassed by field organizers is that I practice their ideology daily, in fact probably more so then they do themselves. I don’t drive, I don’t eat meat, I don’t waste water or other resources, and I don’t support “evil” corporations (assuming the definition of “evil” is Walmart and not Starbucks). I’m a living, breathing example of all their causes. I don’t expect them to recognize that fact in a quick glance at me after I get off the Metro escalator, but it still irritates me when they approach me asking for even more effort and money. Isn’t it enough that I embody all of your beliefs? Do I really need to cut you a check in order to prove myself a good citizen?

I understand that these kids are young, inexperienced, underpaid idealists with good intentions. I should not begrudge them their little rants if it makes them feel better about themselves. But at the same time, the organizations that employ them should rethink their strategies for fundraising. I don’t know if having people with clipboards bother commuters is an effective technique for garnering donations – I have never seen conclusive research on this topic – but I can’t imagine that it actually gets results. It’s a sad fact in politics that people in the top income bracket are the only ones that can comfortably donate to political causes and candidates, and the gap is ever widening between them and normal working folks like me. Sure one can organize a grassroots, Howard-Dean inspired campaign to expand the base of small contributors, but that can easily be achieved through the internet rather than in-person solicitation. I’m far more likely to make a donation if one of my friends posts a compelling note on Facebook than if some random dude with a nose ring comes up to me on the street asking if I care about the Earth. I highly doubt that the marginal gains these activists make compensates for the inconvenience and annoyance factors.

In conclusion, I ask simply to be left alone when I walk down the street. I’m smart enough to conduct my own research into the issues and make my own decisions, and I want to do it on my time and my terms. I have faith that rest of the DC residents can do the same.

I’ve been meaning to review Quarry House Tavern for a while, in keeping with my DC Beer Tour series, but I just haven’t had the chance. Now that I do, it’s time to give this classic Silver Spring establishment its due respect.

Walk down the thirteen steps into this basement-level bar for the first time and it’s easy to see why the Quarry House Tavern is one of the DC area’s oldest and most respected watering holes. Referring to itself as “Silver Spring’s Favorite Dive,” QHT doesn’t disappoint. The place is dark, dingy and decorated in such a way that you’d have no idea what year it was if it weren’t for the largely hipster crowd. The bathroom is one of the most unique situations I’ve ever seen – you’ve just got to see it for yourself. But all of these things add to the charm of what is the best of a dying breed down here – the authentic, unpretentious dive bar. The experience only gets better when you see the beer list.

QHT’s “Beericulum Vitae” (*This links to a beer list that’s older than a year. The BV changes constantly, and is now divided by type of beer rather than country of origin.) is the most formidable beer list I’ve seen in DC thus far. It may not boast the sheer number of draft beers as RFD (QHT has seven rotating taps and a permanent tap for Guinness), but the variety is breathtaking. From your standard American macrobrews to some of America’s best craft brews and on to some of the most obscure and exotic imports (including a wide selection of Trappist ales), there’s something to please the palate of any type of beer lover. During my most recent visit, I tried two brews from Oskar Blues, a Colorado brewery that was the first to distribute craft brew in cans. The “Ten FIDY” is a delicious, creamy Imperial Stout with a rich, chocolaty taste that, despite the 10% ABV, goes down smooth and leaves you feeling wonderfully warm. Probably the best stout I’ve ever had. The “Dale’s Pale Ale” was decent, especially for a canned brew, but looked and smelled more robust than it tasted. Regardless of personal taste, the presence of Oscar Blues on QHT’s menu is testament to the scope of the venue’s endeavor, as it is one of the few places in the DC metro area where you can find the rare brew. I’ve had countless other beers at QHT and have never been let down. There is the rare occasion when they’ll be out of an especially exotic beer, but given the size of the operation, the quality of the experience and the low probability of this happening, it likely won’t ruin your night. Likewise, the prices are such that you can enjoy two or three unique brews without going broke – markups are some of the lowest I’ve seen in DC, especially when compared to RFD.

What sets QHT above and beyond even the most bombastic beer snob hangouts is the quality of the service, food and entertainment. On even the busiest Saturday night, the bar is run smoothly and efficiently, and you will rarely wait long for your drink even if you are seated rather than at the bar. Food may take a while on occasion, but not without good reason. I’ve never had anything to drink there besides the beer, but I’ve noticed an ever-growing cache of high-end liquor as well, which the bartenders serve with care in addition to managing the taps and bottles. QHT is also home to what I consider to be the best happy hour special in the DC area – half-price burger Mondays, where patrons can choose from third-pound or half-pound patties topped with an array of great stuff (*The food menu, like the beer list, hasn’t been updated for a while on the website, but is basically the same.) and served with a side salad or, as a unique touch, tater tots. And the burgers are damn good. The entertainment is top-notch as well; QHT sports an old-school jukebox spinning everything from Buddy Holly to Weezer and doubles as a concert venue, famous for its rockabilly Saturdays (concert calendar can be found on the main MySpace page).

As an after-work hangout or weekend dive-bar destination, there are few better places in DC than QHT. “Beers. Burgers. Basement.” That’s their slogan – and all three are done exceptionally well. Give QHT a whirl if you haven’t already, and if you have, I’ll see ya there again on Monday.

Quarry House Tavern
8401 Georgia Ave
Silver Spring, Maryland 20910
301-587-8350

Damn this recession sucks balls. I’m no economist, but I am a normal tax-paying citizen who has been financially ass-raped over the course the past year. And that’s without a car! Because of the Bush administration’s hatred of all things science and research, my think tank could only afford to give me a measly 4% pay raise this summer. Meanwhile everything from veggie burgers to tampons have risen in price, and I’ve had to become a lot less picky about what I put in both orifices. It’s been so bad I had to take a second job tutoring for the SATs. But even that hasn’t helped much. Everyone is suffering from this recession, which means there are fewer families that can afford tutors. And tutoring is the only reasonably paying second job available for someone with no experience waiting tables and too much self respect to resort to prostitution.

My financial distress has major repercussions. I have to move out of my apartment because I can no longer afford the rent. Hopefully I’ll be able to find a place that accepts cats and isn’t roach-infested or void of natural sunlight (or worst of all, located in the Commonwealth of Virginia - no offense to my co-authors). I don’t have the money to buy local organic foods, as I would like; ramen is now a staple rather than a last resort. I imagine many other environmentally conscious consumers have also had to compromise their morals for their survival, which means less money is going to honest and decent farmers trying to make a living without suckling the USDA teat. I am unable to go to many concerts, movies, or other economy-stimulating activities. And, what’s probably the most frustrating consequence at this particular moment – I have to take the Chinatown bus to Philadelphia to visit my parents because I cannot shell out $100 for Amtrak. I’m on the bus as I write this post, wobbling precariously to and fro on the Baltimore Turnpike as the stench of BO and urine permeates the air. I wish they served beer – not that I could afford one.


I don’t want it to sound as though I am whining. I realize I am probably spoiled compared to many other Americans that are suffering more severely from the recession. I have a decent job and a roof over my head (for now) and food in my tummy (for now). I am only sharing my story because I think a lot of people can relate - People like me who were too young during the last recession to actually feel it personally, and who grew up with the promise that if we went to college and tired our best, we’d be better off than previous generations. Well now we’re not kids anymore, and our university campuses no longer shelter us. Now we’re in the real world, and in a real economic downtown, and it fucking hurts like hell.

I can’t help but look to the presidential race for answers in this time of need. I realize that no one person can control the entire economy, but where is that prosperity and opportunity that President Bush promised us in 2000? It certainly hasn’t “trickled down” to me, and with the financial crisis on Wall Street it looks like it hasn’t even lasted for the richest of the rich. Is our economy in such bad shape because we’re squandering money in Iraq? Did a lack of regulation cause the financial market to go belly-up? Did the tax cuts for the wealthy merely result in less income for the government instead of reinvestment in the economy? I have a feeling a combination of all these factors has conspired to bring about our current situation. Again, I’m no expert. But I know one thing for certain – Bush’s way obviously doesn’t work. If it did, I’d be on an Amtrak train right now sipping on a Bloody Mary. Normal folks like us are getting screwed under the current system. And there’s a not a lick of difference between Bush and McCain. They both have the same staunch philosophy of no government, no taxes, no spending, and no regulation, ever. Except for unnecessary and ill-planned wars, in which case let’s spend like drunken sailors and castigate anyone who disagrees with us. Oh yeah, and your bedroom. They definitely want government all up in that. Don’t have sex unless it’s for the sole purpose of procreation, in the context of a heterosexual Church-sanctioned marriage. And whatever you do, don’t be gay! Who cares if you’re dirt poor, as long as them damn homosexuals aren’t prancing around the streets?

Seriously? Do we really need another second of this bullshit, let alone 4 more years?

I’m not arguing that Barack Obama is a miracle worker. I don’t expect things to magically get better overnight. But for fuck’s sake, after 8 years of failure on everything from the economy to foreign policy, don’t we at least deserve a chance to make it better? We need to go in a different, more promising direction. If nothing else, Barack Obama represents a new worldview, which is sorely needed at this time. I can’t live off of ramen for the rest of my life, and the US food market won’t sustain itself if everyone is buying ramen from China. And not to keep knocking on China, but this bus is sketchtastic.

So please, vote for Barack Obama. After all, voting is free. We can definitely afford that. But we can’t afford another Republican president. Trickle down economics is just as it sounds - piss - like the smell of a Chinatown bus.

There are not many benefits to living in Washington D.C. The rent is astronomical. The people are tools. We don’t have representation in Congress. There are rats – flagrant rats that appear out of nowhere, demanding cheese like drug addicted homeless people. But to the city’s credit, it is very accessible. I have acquired sleeker and sexier thighs from the sheer amount of walking I do on a daily basis. I can walk to all the important places I frequent - grocery stores, bars, and my boyfriend’s house. Any place I can’t access by foot is merely a short metro ride away, at least on Monday-Friday (and where else to go on weekends but grocery stores, bars, and one’s boyfriend’s house). My perambulation serves as a source of exercise, meditation, and an act environmental conscientiousness.

Unfortunately, not everyone in the district is so keen on walking. Despite being rated as the second worst metropolitan area for traffic congestion, exorbitant fuel prices, and my previous observation that no one should need to drive in the city, there are a considerable amount of motorists on the streets of Washington D.C. And they’re all assholes.

Before living in D.C., there were only 2 times in my entire life (28 years at that point) that I was within seconds of death. One time, in early childhood, was at the aquarium in Baltimore, when I almost fell in the shark tank (they’ve since secured the area). The second time, in my adolescence, was when a hot iron almost fell on my face. Yet in just over one year of residency in the district, I’ve had countless unwelcome reminders of my mortality. Motorists in this town run me down like lions chasing gazelles on the Serengeti.

Let me make something clear: I am a prudent pedestrian. I obey traffic signals and observe crosswalks. I don’t just dart out into the middle of a busy road whenever I feel like it. I work in public health – we’re safety freaks. In spite of my caution, I frequently find myself standing like a deer in headlights, face to face with a car careening toward me like a bat out of hell. I remain there, dumfounded, reminding my would-be manslaughter that the walk signal is on, or that I’m in the middle of a clearly designated crosswalk. I hear all kinds of obscenities in return. My roommate once had a man get out of the car and shout, “What’s it gonna be lie to be right and dead?”. I’ve never had anything that drastic occur, but I wouldn’t be the least be surprised if it were to happen. Drivers in this city are egomaniacal bullies with reckless disregard for the lives of us lowly pedestrians. It’s bad enough that they refuse to acknowledge the existence of crosswalks, traffic lights, and other institutions of safety and order. But they add insult to injury by accusing ME of wrongdoing, when I’m clearly a) at the mercy of their death machines and b) a damn good upstanding citizen because I’m not polluting the air or supporting terrorist oil regimes. So put that in your exhaust pipe and smoke it, drivers.

I’m not sure what it is about D.C. in particular that makes the drivers so selfish and sadistic. I imagine it’s simply a byproduct of the general mentality of people in this city – a delusion of grandeur that they are so important that they must get where they’re going immediately, no matter whom they squish along the way. Glued to their blackberries (even while driving), they push their way around with wanton neglect for the safety of others. They can’t be bothered by crosswalks and traffic lights – they can afford high-powered attorneys to get them acquitted should they happen to commit vehicular homicide. Global warming? Terrorism? Oil dependency? These issues pale in comparison with the immediate comfort and convenience of self-anointed VIPs in the District of Columbia.

Another reason I surmise that people insist in driving in this scalable metropolis is that they are simply fat and lazy. This problem is not just endemic to the District of Columbia, it is a plague affecting our entire nation. One need look no farther than the fanny-pack clad tourists littering our Metro system (and I thank them for at least using public transit instead of renting cars) or grazing about the Pentagon City Mall to realize that America is morbidly obese. It’s a Catch 22 – they drive because they are fat, and thus they never lose weight because they don’t get off their fat asses to walk. Pretty soon they’ll all be flying around in lounge chairs with computers granting their every wish, ala Wall E. I can’t even imagine how urban planners will respond to this new traffic conundrum, but I know healthy, earth-loving pedestrians like me are going to have to look more than 2 ways when crossing the streets.

Here are the morals I’d like you to take away from this post, if you care to derive any valuable message. If you drive in D.C., take a serious inventory of your life and determine if you are driving out of necessity, ego, or laziness. If either of the later are the case, STOP DRIVING!!! You will save yourself some money, and get some much needed exercise. If you absolutely need to drive in D.C., please calm the fuck down. Put on NPR, classical music, smooth jazz – whatever it takes to reduce your unfounded angst. Observe crosswalks and traffic lights, and be patient as we pedestrians cross the street. After all, we’re saving your lives with our carbon neutrality.

And if you’re a fellow pedestrian like me, keep on shaking your ass. But watch yourself.

On Wednesday evening, I did something I hadn’t done in 1 year and 3 months. I went to school.

Despite having obtained a Master’s Degree in June 2007, I have set on a masochistic course to purse a Ph.D in Public Health. The series of events and realizations that led to that decision are another story for another time. But essentially, in order prepare myself for Ph.D programs in my concentration (Health Economics and Health Policy), I need to brush up on my math. So I enrolled in the Math for Economists class at the USDA graduate school.

In the spirit of math, instead of giving you a verbal narration of my experience, I’ll give you a count:

Number of people in the class: 30
Number of people dressed in anything other than a suit or Ann Taylor “business casual” ensemble: 2 (myself and Turk’s friend John)
Number of Ben Bernake jokes made by professor: 1
Number of courtesy laughs in response to said Ben Bernake joke: 30
Number of AIG jokes made by professor: 1
Number of courtesy laughs in response to said AIG joke: 29 (I really don’t think, “If only the folks at AIG had remembered the National Income equation” is an amusing or even remotely relevant comment about America’s current financial woes)
Number of times douchebag at my table’s Blackberry vibrated during the class: 4
Number of times douchebag responded to Blackberry vibration via text message: 4
Number of times I glared at the douchebag: 5 (one was just for shits and giggles).
Number of beers I had after class to recover from the stereotypical D.C. self-aggrandizing masturbation fest: 3.25 (I drank some of my boyfriend’s while he was in the bathroom)

Well, it's official. I'm no longer a DC resident. That certainly doesn't mean I have to stop bitching, though. In fact, now that I live in Ballston, I'll have even more to bitch about (in a thinly veiled attempt to mask the fact that I'm rapidly becoming everything I hate). I'll skip all the usual "OMG NoVa IS FOR DOUCHEBAGS" stuff -- not that it's not mostly true -- and get right to the point. Rosslyn Metro station is perhaps the worst place on earth. And I say that as a person who has lived Uzbekistan (no offense to my Uzbeks bros). All that is unholy emanates from the subterranean dungeon that is Rosslyn. If I have to transfer trains here every morning and afternoon for the rest of my days in DC, then the chances of me killing someone are higher than the chances of Bristol Palin's marriage ending quickly and painfully (oh sorry, is Bristol still off limits?). And murder is only the second most likely scenario, the first being me committing seppuku.

Why? Rosslyn station never has more than one working escalator at any given time. Fools are tripping all over themselves running both ways. Once you manage to get to your transfer platform without getting trampled, then comes the arduous task of actually getting on the train. Most of the time, trains are spaced just far enough apart that every car will be packed to the brim with a sweaty, smelly clusterfuck of bodies. You will never get more than two inches of personal space. There is no air on any of the cars, either -- you'll breath only the stale exhalations of other passengers. Cars will be heated during the summer and air conditioned during the winter.

And the act of boarding the train is truly a test of one's mettle. It's where people really show what they're made of. There are two types of people at Rosslyn: the Douche Corridor (Courthouse/Clarendon/Va. Square/Ballston) folks who OMG HAVE TO GET ON THE TRAIN ASAP SO THEY CAN GET TO THE GYM EARLY ENOUGH TO FINISH CARDIO AND THEIR YOGA CLASS IN TIME TO START GETTING WASTED BY 7, and then there's the Pentagon Patriarchs whose TIME IS MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOURS and who have been SHOVING PUNKS LIKE YOU TO GET ON THE METRO FOR 30 YEARS. Either group is just as likely to spout catty, passive-aggressive shit at you if you deter their mission to board THIS FUCKING ORANGE LINE TRAIN RIGHT FUCKING NOW. Anyone who's ever tried to transfer at Rosslyn during rush hour knows exactly what I'm talking about. Unless you're one of those people, in which case you're fucking clueless.

I rode the Metro for the first week I was out here, and then I realized it was better for my health and the health of those around me if I never see that station again between the hour of 7:30-9:30am and 4:30-6:30pm. Fuck that shit. I'm taking the bus from now on. How else am I supposed to get to the gym before those Rosslyn suckers show up and take all the ellipticals?




Now that I have that off my chest, a few random notes:

1. Thanks again to The Sober Pundit for her witty and insightful political commentary and for holding down the fort while I was sans cable and internets.
2. Keep an eye out for a site revamp. We're hoping to make some pretty substantial changes to the layout soon, and we think you'll like it.
3. Buy the new Metallica album. Shameless plug, I know, but seriously... If you've ever liked any of their stuff, you owe yourself a trip to the record shop to pick up Death Magnetic. And if you don't like them, that's fine -- to each his own, but I don't want to hear it.

I don't know about Turk or El Braixan, but I thought McCain's speech was such a snoozer that I don't think it warrants comment. Frankly, this "sober" pundit got drunk with her boyfriend and his roommate playing a drinking game where we had to guzzle some beer each time McCain said, "My friends" or "Warshington", and every time the crowd chanted "U.S.A.!" In the course of my hangover yesterday, I heard mixed reviews. But I doubt anything could compare to the rousing and inspirational speech Obama gave last week. All I know is that I can't wait for the debates!

By the way, my cat wrote an excellent guest piece on my friend's insightful and hillarious blog, Kitties and Boobies. Check it out!

O.K., Sarah Palin's daughter is off limits. But she's not. She's a public official, and now in line for the 2nd highest political office in the United States. So let's discuss the various reasons why she's a heinous succubus beast from hell:


1) She's a bad mother. I'm not talking about the fact that her daughter got pregnant - that's a private issue over which the public and the government should have no say. However, she knowingly subjected her already vulnerable 17-year old daughter to the spotlight by agreeing to be on McCain's ticket. I guess her own fame and fortune are more important than her daughter's welfare and happiness. I feel sorry for Bristol, especially because her baby daddy is clearly an asshat. The last thing she needs is media scrutiny, for which she has her opportunist mother to thank.

2) She's a bad governor. She strong armed the Alaska public safety commissioner into firing her ex brother-in-law, then fired him because he wouldn't capitulate to her unreasonable demands. Hell hath no fury like the governor-sister of a woman scorned! Can't Palin try just once to not set the women's rights movement back a few decades by making her politics personal, and portraying female leaders as vengeful bitches.

3) She's a bad mayor. Despite John McCain and Sarah Palin's public fulmination of pork barrel spending, Palin made sure to bring home the bacon to her Alaska home of 6700. She secured over $27 million in earmarks for wee Wasalia, Alaska. What the Christ could that town possibly need that's worth $27 million? All of the big cities in which I've resided (Philadelphia, Los Angeles, Washington D.C.) would shit bricks for that kind of money, and then use those bricks to build schools, health clinics, and other resources that would benefit far more people than the lucky few in her podunk hometown.

4) She's a bad person. She broke the news about her daughter's pregnancy while millions were fleeing the Gulf Coast in fear of another Hurricane Katrina. She thought the scandal would fall by the wayside. Well it didn't, and she should be ashamed for malevolently taking advantage of the plight of poor hurricane victims. And did you watch her speech? It was, as my friend Alexa describes, "nails on chalkboard." She said absolutely nothing of substance and instead spouted nasty insults about Barack Obama. I'm not saying the opponents shouldn't criticize one another, but there's a way to do it tastefully and constructively, and instead Sarah Palin chose to squawk like a pink monkey bird. She reminds me of a teacher I had in grade school, who was more concerned with flirting with the male students and fathers than teaching the class, and who despite my being the smartest and best behaved student in the class, still found a reason to give me detention. Bitch. Incidentally, this teacher got pregnant out of wedlock and was forced to marry the father in order to maintain her post at the Catholic school.

So let's review: Bad mother, bad governor, bad mayor, and bad person...and we're supposed to let her be a heartbeat away from the presidency, when the presidential candidate is probably hanging on by a heartbeat? I think America deserves better.

***Update: After referring to Sarah Palin as a succubus, I thought of the Succubus episode of South Park. Stan and Kyle rescue Chef from the clutch of the demon by singing her theme song "There's Got to Be a Morning After", backward. I wonder if we can do the same to defeat Sarah Palin. Who wants to attend her next rally in the D.C. area to give it a shot?

The Good:

Overall I think he did an excellent job. My main reservation about Obama has been my impression that he’s all talk, all pomp and circumstance, and little substance. Last night he delivered an address that was policy-specific, insightful, thorough, and inspirational. He underscored McCain’s weaknesses without sounding rancorous, and drew a sharp contrast between his vision and a potential McCain presidency. He was eloquent (except for a few flubs, but nobody is perfect) but not bombastic. He was genuine and down to earth, and convinced me that he would be a compassionate and competent president. I was drinking Blue Moon, but it tasted like Kool Aid. I’m one of them. I love Obama.

Here are some other highlights, and random observations:

• The shout out to Hillary was a nice gesture, especially right at the beginning of his speech. Hopefully he was able to mollify even the most bitter of Hillary holdouts.
• He used “her” as a pronoun when discussing the challenge of sending kids to school.
• Sasha Obama is so kidnapably cute!
• He wants to cut government programs that don’t work and streamline bureaucracy – a libertarian wet dream! I love that he has the balls to not make a typical knee-jerk liberal, blanket defense of every public service program.
• Tax cuts! Yay! More fodder for me and my fellow libertarians.
• End our oil addiction – real solutions, not band-aids. We need oil rehab, not oil enablers like John McCain. And incentivizing alternative energy production is totally in keeping with the market system we all love and cherish as Americans.
• He spoke of having the “temperament” and judgment to conduct foreign policy. Not only did that brilliantly take the focus away from experience and onto pure competence, it was a subtle double entendre. READ: McCain has a temper, and is a bat-shit crazy curmudgeon.
• Vets, vets, and more vets. I love vets, not just because the VA pays roughly 1/3 of my salary, but because they are the one group in America that clearly deserve appreciation from our government but are woefully underserved.
• “Patriotism has no party. I love this country, and so does John McCain, and so do you!” Oh yeah, we’re gonna have a 300 million-way with America.

The Bad:

• When it comes to health care, Barack seems to think that healthcare companies arbitrarily “discriminate” against the ill. Truthfully, any company is going to want to protect itself from adverse selection by having a diverse mix of patients, so that the healthy can pay for the sick. That’s how health insurance works – just like care insurance. When employers provide health care, the risk is automatically pooled because they have a mix of people brought together on random factors other than health status. A typical workplace will have adequate risk spread to keep premiums low, and the power to negotiate with insurers. The problem is that not all employers offer health insurance, and unemployment is on the rise. Then we get into the individual market, where it’s essentially a free-for-all. Companies have an incentive to keep out sick patients so they don’t go out of business, while relatively healthy people (especially young people) choose not to purchase insurance, because they think they’re invincible. There aren’t “healthy” people to pay for the “sick”. So Obama can’t forcibly “end healthcare discrimination”, without having mandates in place to force the healthy people to enter the risk pool, and thus far he hasn’t explicitly supported an individual mandate. Furthermore, we must continue to support tax breaks for employers offering insurance since this is the most sensible means of providing insurance. I heard nothing about this in Obama’s Plan. Finally, he said little, and his plans says little about reducing health care costs, which are primarily driven by technology. If we keep adopting new procedures, machines, and medicines, with little therapeutic improvement over previous treatments, we’re not going to get a good return on investment. The trick is to find a way to place stricter standards on technology adaptation while still encouraging innovation in the market. I don’t purport to have all the answers, but I think the president ought to. Nonetheless, I have more confidence in Obama’s ability and willingness to tackle this problem constructively.
• “I stood up and opposed this war (In Iraq).” From where, your living room couch? You weren’t IN the Senate yet and didn’t have a vote. I can picture the situation:
  Barack (knocking over a ball of popcorn as he rises from the couch): I oppose this war!
  Michelle: That’s nice honey. Can you take out the trash
• Producer to Cameraman, Producer to Cameraman, show more white people! (it’s the exact opposite of the conversations that go on between the two at the GOP convention.

The Cheesy:

• The Music. U2? Add them to Bruce Springsteen and John Mellencamp as intolerable artists for politics. It’s not that I don’t like these artists (except Mellencamp – he sucks) – I have every U2 album, and a significant percentage of Bruce’s library as well. It’s just that their music deserves better than becoming the hackneyed entrance and exit music for pandering politicians. Are there seriously NO people on your staff than can pick something more original? I saw Obama’s favorite song list, and it included Nina Simone and The Fugees. Either of those selections would have been refreshing. What the shit was that country song they played after Obama finished? It was so anticlimactic, not to mention CHEESY!!! AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, WHEN ARE PEOPLE GOING TO REALIZE THAT BORN IN THE USA IS NOT A PATRIOTIC TRIBUTE TO AMERICA BUT A STINGING CRITICISM OF THE WAR IN VIETNAM?!?! LISTEN TO THE GODDAMN LYRICS OF THE SONGS YOU CHOOSE TO PLAY!!! Here are a few selections that would have been more inspirational, appropriate, or at least humorously corny:

1. The Times, They Are A Changin’ – Bob Dylan (would have fit nicely with the WHOLE FUCKING THEME OF OBAMA’S CAMPAIGN as well)
2. Work That – Mary J. Blige
3. Live To Win – Paul Stanley
4. You’ve Got the Touch, from the Transformers Soundtrack (the 80s cartoon, not the crap ass action flick with Shia LaDouche)
5. Pretty much anything from the Top Gun Soundtrack
6. Ditto for Karate Kid
7. Ditto Rocky
8. Flashdance…What a Feeling – Irena Cara

• Is it just me, or is Joe Biden actually made of cheese? He’s got that pig-in-shit-eating grin that frankly creeps me out.
• Did the Obama women really color coordinate? I love pink, but to quote Sally Field’s character from Steel Magnolias, “It looks like the whole place was doused in Pepto Bismal.”
• The “grand finale” was just awkward. At least balloons would have masked some of the uncomfortable moments, like when all of a sudden there were toilet-paper-esque streamers on the back stage, and all of a sudden the music went from country to something sounding like the theme from Jaws. Should Obama and Biden hug? Will that seem too gay? Michelle and Jill were holding hands pretty tightly, as if they don’t know what else to do. Wave to the audience. Wait we’re out of family order. Okay bring in the Biden family. Wait there’s too many. Okay you know what, let’s just do Barack, Michelle, Joe, and Jill. Okay. Now let’s, um, pray, yeah, prayer is awesome, everyone loves prayer! Of course I realize that no convention can be perfect. But maybe if Obama had picked his VP earlier they would have worked out the awkward body language. Maybe if there were some more hip staff, the music wouldn’t have sounded so corny.

They're coming to shut off my interwebz for the move so I have to do this quick. I just wanted to throw out a few of my reactions to last night's speech.

First off, let me just say, I can totally smell what Barack is cookin'. This was probably the most electrfying speech I've seen since I began to care about politics. I realized a few minutes into the speech that, for the first time in my political cognizance, we're going to have a president I actually like. No more whining about choosing the "lesser of two evils" in the general election. I'm legitimately excited about BHO.

As for the speech itself, what can I say that hasn't already been said by thousands of pundits and superior blogs? I was actually really impressed with how awkwardly he thanked the raucous crowd at the beginning. It showed a human side of him. This guy isn't an elitist. And you know what? As cheesy as it sounds, he just looks presidential.

There was a lot of good stuff in this speech, but I don't have enough time to really discuss it all. I'll just say that I loved his thoughts on alternative fuels and oil independence... he acknowledges that we can't invest all of our time and money on just one alternative like ethanol. That kind of progressive thought from a president is exactly what we need if we're going to actually do something about the energy crisis. I also LOVED his comment that government "can't turn off the television for you." Finally, a presidential candidate has the compassion to call for a helpful government while still having the balls to call for some personal responsibility.

Just a few random thoughts:
- I hope his plan to cut taxes for 95% of working families doesn't turn into a "Read my lips..." kind of moment
- was "8 is enough" a sitcom reference or something that I missed?
- Did he really have to call out Cleveland about gang violence in his section about gun control? Come on Barack. What about Detroit? LA? Chicago? Whatevs. I know you didn't mean anything personal, big guy ;-)
- Finally, what the fuck was with that music after the speech? It transitioned from some hillbilly country crap to some kind of "Sum of All Fears" orchestration. I expected Harrison Ford to run out at any second screaming "WE NEED TO GET THE PRESIDENT OUT OF HERE."


Anyway, I gotta run. Erin will be on later with her much more eloquent and insightful analysis.

Beau Biden: I'd hit that.

Joe Biden: The transcript of his speech was excellent, so why is that I couldn't bear watching it in person and instead flipped back and forth between that and the season finale of Shear Genius? I guess it was the fact that I have an intense aversion to John Mellencamp, especially after that smarmy philandering bastard John Edwards exploited his music in his failed campaign for the presidency. And then to end with a Bruce Springsteen song written about 9/11? Are you kidding me? I realize you're 65 years old, Senator B, but surely one of those 87 grandchildren of yours could have tuned you in to something more hip.

Obama's "surprise" appearance: That was about as "unscripted" as an episode of The Hills. Come on, seriously? A REAL suprise would have been New Mexico governor Bill Richardson riding on a unicyle, wearing an Uncle Sam hat, and juggling bald eagle eggs. And it would have been far more entertaining.

The Democrats should have held this convention in Wisconsin instead of Colorado, 'cuz it's CHEESY!!!

There's something to be said about watching America's pastime in the nation's capital. that something is that it sucks. The Nationals are, not surprisingly, a league worst 48-85, well on their way to losing 100 games. Thank God I don't have any ties to this team other than that I'm a transient DC citizen.

This team is abysmal, just absolutely abysmal. Locals will tell you it's been injuries that have claimed the Nats' season, but injuries are only part of it. Part of it is the failure of highly-touted youngsters, like Ryan Zimmerman and Nick Johnson, to stay healthy and produce at expected levels. But a larger part of it is inept management. This is the team that failed to trade a red-hot Dmitri Young at his (fluky) peak last year for some solid prospects and did the same with Alfonso Soriano the year before. This isn't the place for in-depth baseball analysis -- though I'd be happy to provide links to some great sites if anyone is interested -- but suffice it to say that the Nats are awful now and have no realistic chance of being good in the next five years. I mean, my Tribe has been disappointing this year but hey, at least we've got a bright future. And this guy:

Before you accuse this post of being sexist, keep in mind that the female, feminist, heterosexual correspondent of this blog is the one writing it.

With all the serious topics being discussed at the Democratic Convention, I think it's time we take a step back for a minute and appreciate the fineness that is the Democratic ladies.

Say what you will about Michelle Obama's speech Monday, but one thing is for certain: She is HAWT!!! Cindy McCain is a botox-saturated washed-out hag. Michelle, on the other hand, is all natural, and all beautiful. My co-author Phil, in less graceful terms, declares, "Only the most unspeakable acts come to mind when I think of Michelle Obama." I wouldn't go THAT far, but we agree that Michelle is one foxy woman who deserves to be America's FLILF.

And who could pretend to digest Hillary Clinton's inspirational speech last night without first taking a moment to ogle former FDILF Chelsea. Girlfriend is banging! Her awkward Amy Carter days are ancient history. As my boyfriend opined, "She's really grown into herself". Phil informed me this morning, "I wanna holla at that bitch." My buddy Jeff's G-chat status message last night summed it up perfectly: "Damn, Chelsea fiiiiiiiiiiine!"

Make no mistake, this is a very important election, the outcome of which will have serious consequences for both America and the world. But while you're considering all the critical issues at hand, it's perfectly fine to be human and drool over some pretty ladies. Of course the same goes for the sexy men, who will take the stage tonight and tomorrow.

Thursday's post: Damn, Joe Biden is Delawaring that suit.

Friday: Obama can be my commander in briefs!

ADDENDUM: I just wanted to give some mad props to Erin for handling that post with such class. My thoughts wouldn't possibly be clear enough to write a coherent post about Michelle and Chelsea. Swoon.

~ Turk

This is my first presidential race in the District of Columbia, which is infamous for its rabid political junkies, Hillrats, and media pundits foaming at the mouth to get a piece of the action. With their mere 3 electoral votes, however, these fanatics must feed their obsession by networking with (and/or fellating) people “in the know”, and talking about it incessantly on their blogs. Recognizing this insatiable appetite for inside information, Barak Obama chose to send his supporters a text message at 3 AM EST Saturday morning announcing his selection of Joe Biden as his running mate. I’m sure the Late Night Shots crowd prowling the streets of Georgetown was excited to receive this text among their slew of booty calls, though they probably had to squint and shut one eye to decipher the words in their state of drunkenness. At that’s assuming they didn’t already pass out on the street or in the home of a stranger, vomit drenching their popped-collar polos or Ann Taylor sundresses.

Me? I was fast asleep. I didn’t get the message until I turned on Headline news to watch their D-list Saturday morning anchor “accidentally” say “Obiden” – twice. Did I feel out of the loop? No, because I already knew Obama was going to choose Biden. I knew unofficially 2 ½ weeks ago, when my friend told me her boss (who is a Democratic Big Wig) told her that it was going to be Biden. I was incredulous at first, but the same friend confirmed the news to me last Tuesday. Of course she was emphatic about the information being kept a secret, and said, “You didn’t hear that from me ;)” I will still protect her identity by not naming her on this blog. But I assume if she told me, she told her boyfriend, and at least a few of her other friends. I in turn, though sworn to secrecy, told my assistant, my boyfriend, and a couple of my friends, who in turn told a few more people and so on and so forth. The point is that people in this town have big mouths and there’s no better chance of keeping a secret than there is of Larry Craig keeping his pants on in the Union Station mensroom.

So what about this Biden guy? I’m sure his Wikipedia page crashed several times over the weekend, and I also read this morning that his biography, which was published over a year ago, is now a best seller on Amazon. So I’m not going to repeat any details you’ve already read in those sources. I will tell you the following things about Joe Biden:

1) Joe Biden is a Senator from Delaware. I grew up in Pennsylvania, which is right on top of Delaware. We laugh at Delaware, and then travel there for tax free shopping and the occasional Rehoboth Beach excursion.
2) Delaware recently raised its toll on 1-95 from $3 to $4. That adds up if you travel back and forth between D.C. and Philly frequently, as my Dad must do when he drives me to and from my respective homes. At least he has an EZ pass now.
3) My friend once got out of a speeding ticket while he was going to law school in Delaware by claiming he knew Joe Biden. Cops like Joe Biden.
4) Joe Biden is “smart as hell” and a “damn good guy”, according to my Dad. Actually a lot of people seem to feel this way, and said so during the primaries. However this mysteriously didn’t translate into any votes.
5) Joe Biden is a vet, I think. Either way he has major foreign policy street cred, because he went to Georgia recently (not the one with peaches and plantations, the one with Russian tanks). I think he also went to Iraq. And he was the head of the Senate Foreign Relations committee. So I guess that sticks it to McCain who claims that if Obama is elected, the terrorists will win. I feel pretty confident that Biden can kick some terrorist ass, while Obama stays in the White House and sends text messages to his supporters detailing Biden’s ass-kicking endeavors.

Well that’s my educated, insightful analysis of the VP selection, as a resident of D.C. and a one time resident of the state on top on Biden’s state. I think this was a good move on Obama’s part, because Tim Kaine just slashed the budget in VA, which will leave many people unhappy in this supposed swing state, and Evan Bayh is boring and cornfed. So Go Obama-Biden, or shall I say, “Gobiden!”