Excuse Me, Is That Your Blog?

Consider all the recent economic turmoil. Banks being bailed out. Wall Street crashing. Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria. Sound familiar? Sounds like 1929 to me. Eerily, it's like, exactly 79 years since the Great Depression. And you know what they say about the number 79. Oh, you don't? Nevermind. Anyway, all this talk about ECONOMIC CRISIS and FINANCIAL COLLAPSE got us thinkin' - what would another Great Depression look like in 2008?

First off, it wouldn't simply be called the Second Great Depression. Our generation is much too clever for that (Iraq War? War on Terrorism? Doesn't get much snappier than that!). No, it'd be something witty and uniquely descriptive, something along the lines of Great Depression II: XTREME ULTIMATE DEPRESSION. I can just smell the zipping Fox News graphics. Wolf Blitzer will be fired for devouring Anderson Cooper amidst all the excitement (and also because he sucks).




And just think of all the awful hardships we'll suffer if this thing really does hit rock bottom. There will be bank runs, until people realize all the high-yield online bank accounts they considered to be shrewd investments have simply deleted their websites and disappeared their money into the ether (FDIC-ya!). Left with nowhere to turn but the stack of Euros stashed in their mattresses (converted from dollars after a semester abroad in Europe opened their eyes to the futility of the dollar), people will start to consider Starbucks venti soy lattes a luxury rather than a necessity, and be forced to ration them accordingly. Jilted K Street lobbyists will be forced to drive wheelbarrows full of cash to the cupcake shop in Georgetown for just one shot of icing, and Anne Taylor stores will be looted and ravaged as feral trophy girlfriends revert to their primal instincts in the face of crippling economic hardship (better than having to shop at H&M!). Imagine the GDII:XUD bread lines: scores of self-entitled little hillrats bitching about the lack of low-carb, locally produced, organic handouts while updating their Twitters and Facebook statuses with snarky complaints from their iPhones and Blackberries.




Then there's the sad prospect of all these upstanding citizens foreclosing on their homes and being forced under bridges and into the city as their suburban condos burn down in riotous flames. Forget about the fabled "Purple Line" and "Southeast Waterfront" - there will be no economic development in DC (which sucks, because we were really looking forward to hitting up Bed, Bath and Beyond after Nats games). Picture these new "McCainburghs:" lean-tos made from gore-tex backpacks and camping material, set up next to wifi hotspots (and you thought Tryst's service was slow now!).




The privileged few who manage to retain their off-Columbia Heights rowhouses will have to survive by selling bathtub craft beer (Blue Moonshine). In a poetic reversal of fortune, yuppie couples hoisting oddly-named children in Baby Bjorns will have to join the El Salvadorian immigrants they once hired to build their decks in the wandering pursuit of employment. Boutique ethnic restaurants and pretentious eateries with monosyllabic names will be forced to close, as residents will no longer be able to afford fancy meals (The Crepes of Wrath).

Horrible things to consider, indeed - but will there be an FDR to save us this time around?




We certainly hope Obama will win next week and hit us up with a bitchin' "Nuevo Deal." If so, we are TOTALLY applying for jobs with the Tennessee Valley Authority! Unfortunately, the only other option we have to rescue our asses besides a GOP smackdown is another World War, and that would be extremely, ultimately depressing.





~ T & SP