There are not many benefits to living in Washington D.C. The rent is astronomical. The people are tools. We don’t have representation in Congress. There are rats – flagrant rats that appear out of nowhere, demanding cheese like drug addicted homeless people. But to the city’s credit, it is very accessible. I have acquired sleeker and sexier thighs from the sheer amount of walking I do on a daily basis. I can walk to all the important places I frequent - grocery stores, bars, and my boyfriend’s house. Any place I can’t access by foot is merely a short metro ride away, at least on Monday-Friday (and where else to go on weekends but grocery stores, bars, and one’s boyfriend’s house). My perambulation serves as a source of exercise, meditation, and an act environmental conscientiousness.
Unfortunately, not everyone in the district is so keen on walking. Despite being rated as the second worst metropolitan area for traffic congestion, exorbitant fuel prices, and my previous observation that no one should need to drive in the city, there are a considerable amount of motorists on the streets of Washington D.C. And they’re all assholes.
Before living in D.C., there were only 2 times in my entire life (28 years at that point) that I was within seconds of death. One time, in early childhood, was at the aquarium in Baltimore, when I almost fell in the shark tank (they’ve since secured the area). The second time, in my adolescence, was when a hot iron almost fell on my face. Yet in just over one year of residency in the district, I’ve had countless unwelcome reminders of my mortality. Motorists in this town run me down like lions chasing gazelles on the Serengeti.
Let me make something clear: I am a prudent pedestrian. I obey traffic signals and observe crosswalks. I don’t just dart out into the middle of a busy road whenever I feel like it. I work in public health – we’re safety freaks. In spite of my caution, I frequently find myself standing like a deer in headlights, face to face with a car careening toward me like a bat out of hell. I remain there, dumfounded, reminding my would-be manslaughter that the walk signal is on, or that I’m in the middle of a clearly designated crosswalk. I hear all kinds of obscenities in return. My roommate once had a man get out of the car and shout, “What’s it gonna be lie to be right and dead?”. I’ve never had anything that drastic occur, but I wouldn’t be the least be surprised if it were to happen. Drivers in this city are egomaniacal bullies with reckless disregard for the lives of us lowly pedestrians. It’s bad enough that they refuse to acknowledge the existence of crosswalks, traffic lights, and other institutions of safety and order. But they add insult to injury by accusing ME of wrongdoing, when I’m clearly a) at the mercy of their death machines and b) a damn good upstanding citizen because I’m not polluting the air or supporting terrorist oil regimes. So put that in your exhaust pipe and smoke it, drivers.
I’m not sure what it is about D.C. in particular that makes the drivers so selfish and sadistic. I imagine it’s simply a byproduct of the general mentality of people in this city – a delusion of grandeur that they are so important that they must get where they’re going immediately, no matter whom they squish along the way. Glued to their blackberries (even while driving), they push their way around with wanton neglect for the safety of others. They can’t be bothered by crosswalks and traffic lights – they can afford high-powered attorneys to get them acquitted should they happen to commit vehicular homicide. Global warming? Terrorism? Oil dependency? These issues pale in comparison with the immediate comfort and convenience of self-anointed VIPs in the District of Columbia.
Another reason I surmise that people insist in driving in this scalable metropolis is that they are simply fat and lazy. This problem is not just endemic to the District of Columbia, it is a plague affecting our entire nation. One need look no farther than the fanny-pack clad tourists littering our Metro system (and I thank them for at least using public transit instead of renting cars) or grazing about the Pentagon City Mall to realize that America is morbidly obese. It’s a Catch 22 – they drive because they are fat, and thus they never lose weight because they don’t get off their fat asses to walk. Pretty soon they’ll all be flying around in lounge chairs with computers granting their every wish, ala Wall E. I can’t even imagine how urban planners will respond to this new traffic conundrum, but I know healthy, earth-loving pedestrians like me are going to have to look more than 2 ways when crossing the streets.
Here are the morals I’d like you to take away from this post, if you care to derive any valuable message. If you drive in D.C., take a serious inventory of your life and determine if you are driving out of necessity, ego, or laziness. If either of the later are the case, STOP DRIVING!!! You will save yourself some money, and get some much needed exercise. If you absolutely need to drive in D.C., please calm the fuck down. Put on NPR, classical music, smooth jazz – whatever it takes to reduce your unfounded angst. Observe crosswalks and traffic lights, and be patient as we pedestrians cross the street. After all, we’re saving your lives with our carbon neutrality.
And if you’re a fellow pedestrian like me, keep on shaking your ass. But watch yourself.
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"Is That Your Bag?" is a passive-aggressive message aired to Metro passengers in the DC area urging them to look out for suspicious activity. This blog is our passive-aggresive response to life in America's capital.
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11 comments:
With respect, your points are marred by generalization. Those of us who have to drive in the District aren't all assholes.
And, just for the record, fat does not always equate with lazy. Walk a mile in my shoes sometime. And try to smile through the bigotry.
I moved to DC from Baltimore in mid-June, sold my car, walk and take the Metro everywhere, and I thank that Baltimore mindset for giving me the courage to walk into the street on a walk signal and give cars that don't seem to care to be slowing down a look that says, "Motherfucker, I may be a walker, but I've still got bulk on me that'll put a serious dent in that fancy SUV of yours."
I find the comment above that some "have to drive in the district" ridiculous. I do not own a car, I live in the district and I have yet to find a place in the district that one cannot get to by bus or metro. Now if you work outside the district, that might be different (still there are usually ways and I am sure I could find one). But the commenter should clarify if they do work outside the district or bus/metro accessible area and if the they do not then they should walk a mile in my shoes!
Now to the blog post, it is spot on! I once had a lady honk at me because she wanted to make a right turn at an intersection and I was walking in the crosswalk.
Brandon, I do not live in the District, but I work in the District. I live a good distance from the nearest Metro station or reliable bus line. I also have serious back injuries that make it impossible for me to stand for 30-40 minutes on the Metro to and from work (if the bus in my neighborhood is even running on a schedule that allows me to get to the Metro and to work on time.) People on the Metro often will not allow me a place to sit, despite me shuffling with a cane, because I am fat. There is often a smug, snotty assumption that I'm walking with a cane because I'm fat (it's not - I've been injured in three accidents in one year), and self-righteous Metro-users think I should be punished.
I have to leave work at least three times a week to go to physical rehabilitation appointments in suburban locations without bus or Metro stops. If I tried to get to these via public transport, I would be out of work all day, and I'd lose my job.
If you'd care to know more, Brandon, please feel free to contact me or read my blog. What I'm saying isn't ridiculous. And again, we're not all asshole drivers. I've met asshole drivers, from DC, Maryland, and Virginia - they're the three that have caused me permanent spinal injuries.
Can you tell this post really struck a nerve with me? It did. This is one of the few times I've ever responded to a post I've seen on DC Blogs.
Merujo --
I can definitely see where you're coming from and sympathize. My mother has been overweight for many years, and, like many overweight people, she is criticized based on appearance -- those who know her know she is the far from lazy and tries damn hard to take care of herself. I can't see her getting around DC without a car.
Without trying to speak for the Sober Pundit, let me just say that she likely didn't mean to offend. If you've been following our blog for a while, you'll notice that damn near everything is tongue-in-cheek. That's not to say there isn't truth to what we say, but simply that we're not trying to knock people down for the sake of being assholes.
I think her two main point are as follows:
1. People who can should walk and/or take public transportation to work, school etc. for a variety of reason, not the least of which being the fact that DC is very accessible in this regard.
2. If you choose to drive, for whatever reason, don't be an asshole.
So I hope that clears things up a bit. We appreciate your comments and wish you the best of luck with your recovery. Hope to see you around here again.
Amen to what Turk said, and please do not call me a bigot. I am anything but a bigot. Our posts are intended to be fun, and clearly your situation is unique and doesn't apply to any of the situations I mentioned in the post. But you cannot deny that there is a culture of laziness and self absorbtion in this city, and often people like me are literally put on the brink of death because of it.
People on the Metro often will not allow me a place to sit, despite me shuffling with a cane, because I am fat. There is often a smug, snotty assumption that I'm walking with a cane because I'm fat (it's not - I've been injured in three accidents in one year), and self-righteous Metro-users think I should be punished.
I get that the post touched a nerve with you, but aren't you making equal generalizations in your response?
I think what the Pedestrian is responding to in this post is a pervasive attitude in this city that people are somehow in the wrong for walking, rather than being in the car, and that we walkers have no right to be on the street. And beyond that, some drivers seem to feel like they have some sort of right to run people over just for getting in their way. It's not much different than a lot of driver-on-driver crime, but it is much more dangerous.
I often really miss New York, where drivers always assume that walkers have the right of way -- because that's the safe thing for everyone to do (and, well, there are a lot more of us than them).
While I understand the aforementioned points concerning obesity -related bigotry, I think you all are missing the point. It is indeed dangerous, verrrrrrry dangerous, to walk in this city. Please try and read the entire post.
Pundit - I won't hijack your comment thread anymore, but I wanted to make it clear that I wasn't calling you a bigot in my initial comment. It may have been my odd syntax and lousy grammar. I was describing how I have to try to just smile through the bigotry I experience virtually every day. Sometimes I get really pissed, but most times I try to kill them all with kindness. If you just smile at people when they knock you down, it makes them look like weasels.
I appreciate the points you're making. There was no indication on DC Blogs that your post should be taken as fun or tongue-in-cheek.
I think, honestly, I'm getting too old for this city.
I have driven a lot in the city, and I walk a lot in the city, and for as many asinine drivers that exist in D.C., there is an equal amount of asinine walkers. There has been multiple occasions when I see pedestrians that don't obey signs/signals, nor extend any courtesy to drivers.
Neither "side" is without sin.
I see a lot more pedestrians breaking the rules than I do drivers. But that's just my personal observation.
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