Excuse Me, Is That Your Blog?

While America took a giant step forward this week by electing its first African-American president, three states took a giant step back. Voters in Arizona, Florida, and even the liberal bastion of California approved ballot measures amending their constitutions to ban same-sex marriage. How one can resolve the cognitive dissonance of voting for Obama but against equality for LGBT people, as many in California and Florida clearly did, is beyond me. Conservatives forced these repressive initiatives to the polls using euphemisms such as “protecting marriage” and “saving the children”. But let’s face it, what it really amounts to is fear.

I don’t know why so many people in America still hate gay people. I suspect that a great deal of these bigots have issues surrounding their own sexuality, and project that anger onto innocent homosexuals who simply want to be recognized as human beings. They are scared of themselves; therefore they are scared of gays. The others are simply ignorant. Having never been exposed to the GLBT community in their presumably rural, backwater towns, they have a visceral reaction to the idea of men kissing other men (and you know it’s really only the man on man action that disturbs them, for they probably own several lesbian porno flicks).

Naturally, the proponents of Proposition h8te and the other anti-gay initiatives will not admit that they are motivated by fear. Instead they cultivate fear in regular citizens by making them think that their livelihood is under attack – that the Donna Reed heterosexual marriages of lore are somehow invalidated because Harry met Harry instead of Sally. The right wing fiercely clings to the “sacred institution” of marriage as if it’s a divine relationship beyond reproach. Never mind the fact that over half of marriages end in divorce, and countless others are marred by physical, verbal, and substance abuse, infidelity, financial exploitation, and good old fashioned codependence. They also neglect to mention that marriage is a secular contract recognized by the state for legal purposes. It may be celebrated in a religious ceremony if the couple chooses to do so, but truthfully the only “requirement” for marriage is showing up at city hall to get a license.

So whatever excuses anti-gay people concoct in their twisted efforts to ban gay marriage, the truth of the matter is that they are scared. Instead of doing what most people do when they have a phobia – avoid it or take Xanax – the conservatives march their irrational fears all the way to the Secretary of State. They whine to voters like babies in soiled diapers, expecting to be coddled with prejudiced Constitutional amendments.

Well if we’re going to start passing public policies based on fear and discomfort, then I have an agenda of my own:

1) Ban Ferris Wheels. They are scary. I threw up on my friend once in a Ferris Wheel. She didn’t believe I was afraid of heights. I showed her! No more will these menacing machines of death be a harbinger of spring carnivals. Hoodlums on the Santa Monica Pier will have to knife fight by the Tilt-a-Whirl now.
2) Ban Ski Lifts. Again, being up high in an insecure seat wobbling to and fro is basically my idea of hell. Sorry Aspen, you’re going down.
3) While we’re at it, ban ALL heights. Let’s demolish all buildings above 1 story, and require all new buildings to be no higher. Sure things are going to get tight, and that brings me to my next item.
4) Ban all public gatherings. I am agoraphobic as well as acrophobic (best of both worlds-w00t!). The only words that come to mind when I see more than 5 or 6 people standing together are “stampede” and “infectious disease.”
5) Ban cockroaches. All houses and business must be thoroughly doused by pest control professionals to eradicate all roaches. (Fortunately the buildings will only be one story high at this point.) While the exterminators are at it, they should get the rats too - they are nasty. Cops will be directed to immediately open fire on any of these horrific creatures that happen to survive.
6) Ban Suzuki commercials. That little “zoom zoom” kid creeps me out.
7) Ban clowns. Do I even need to explain this one?

In conjunction with the fear factor is the “eeeew” factor. Some people oppose GLBT rights because they are grossed out by the mere thought of these people expressing their love for one another, despite the fact that the behavior of GLBT folks doesn’t affect them in the slightest. So in this vein, the following things must also be outlawed on account of me finding them disgusting:

1) Muffin topping – 4 years in prison and a $10,000 fine.
2) Farting, nose-picking, and coughing up phlegm – 3 years of forced manual labor and an additional 1 year of community service, preferably in the psych ward of a public hospital.
3) Old people sex - $5,000,000 fine (mostly to pay my therapy bills) and mandatory participation in a 12-step program.
4) Mullets – The death penalty.

I hope that by listing these examples, I have demonstrated the logical fallacy and ridiculousness of passing public policy based on irrational fears. I suggest that the people who opposes gay marriage take a good look at themselves and figure out what is really bothering them, and work on those issues instead of taking out their fear on innocent people. For when the government starts interfering in the private lives of its citizens simply because some voters oppose certain lifestyles, there is no telling where the slippery slope will lead. And THAT my friends, is something to be afraid of.