Excuse Me, Is That Your Blog?

Rarely can an event as historic as yesterday’s inauguration of Barack Obama be summed up with one word. But this one is easy: clusterfuck. Never have I been a part of such a piss-poorly managed event in my entire life.

My friends and I waited in a mile and a quarter long line on abandoned I-395. It was like a fucking George A. Romero flick. Occasionally, we were passed by ambulances, EMTs and buses full of TSA agents who apparently went nowhere and did nothing. And we were the lucky ones, because at least we got in. Thousands of legit ticket holders got screwed out of getting in, thanks to the brilliant foresight of the event planners. Seriously, would it have been hard to figure out how many people the event could hold and only print that many tickets? Or to get like, ten fucking cops posted along the streets with signs or megaphone directing the huddled masses to their cattle pens? Nobody had any clue what the christ they were doing. And incompetent leadership coupled with brain dead tourists = FAIL.

All this bullshit of course went down under the guise of “security” and, as usual, it ended up being more of a hassle than it was worth. When we finally crammed in to the gates, just in time to miss the oath of office, we walked through metal detectors and were briefly patted on the hips. Really fucking thorough. It was like one final “fuck you” from Bush as he guffawed his way out of office.

Though I have to say, it could have been worse. No one died, no one was arrested. In fact, the crowds were all very jovial from what I could tell. And the Metro may have run more efficiently yesterday than I’ve seen it run in my entire DC existence. Tourists were tourists, but most were decent. Most were courteous and respectful; they were here to witness history. Others were self-righteous yuppie douchebags glued to their iPhones, Twittering their thoughts so their douche friends back in New York or Chicago or Boston or Seattle could read them and be jealous (unlike me – I continually updated my Facebook status from my BlackBerry!). Still others were mindless morons that thought it would be a good idea to toss their babies in a backpack or a messenger bag and make them bear the cold for hours on end to see something they won’t remember. Many were devastated to find out they couldn’t drink Starbucks/eat McDonald’s/smoke/chew tobacco/be total assholes on the Metro. But again, these folks were the minority for once, and it was a lot of fun seeing America come together in DC for this thing

There are two things we can be really thankful for today. One, Barackstar is here to bring us Hope, Change, Unicorns, Cotton Candy and Ice Cream Sundays. Two, we don’t have to hear about the goddamn Whistle-stop Tour or what dress Michelle Obama is going to wear or how Obama loves basketball or what kind of dog the Obamas are getting.

Wait, who am I kidding? That shit’s never gonna let up. But at least the tourists will go home. And we can look forward to George W. Bush’s post-election antics. Do I smell “Celebrity Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader?”

Y'all are crazy: A rebuttal by a crotchety old cynic, aka Sober Pundit

While Turk and El Braixan foolishly ventured into the Arctic weather and smothering throng of tourons to catch a glimpse of Obama on a jumbotron, I watched the proceedings unfold from the comfort of my friends' couch in Sherman Oaks. That's right folks, I escaped to Los Angeles to avoid the aforementioned hot mess. Or shall I say, "cold mess?" As my colleagues waited in unbearably long lines to be ceremoniously examined by security guards, or to take a piss, I relaxed in my pajamas, sipping freshly brewed coffee and making goofy faces at my friends' adorable 14-month-old son. Sure they got to experience history in the making, which is the same reason the damn fools took a cab from Arlington to the White House on Election Night to drunkenly belt the National Anthem with some fratboys from GW. But there are few things an old fart (I'm 29) like me despises more than crowds, cold weather, and lack of immediate access to a clean bathroom. Nosiree, I'd rather stay home and watch the President-elect and Chief Justice fumble the oath of office close up on a Television screen, with Wolf Blitzer and that prematurely grey homosexual man explaining everything in detail so I don't have to constantly ask, "What did he say? Who's that tramp dressed like a woman for hire?"* If'n I were unfortunate enough to be stuck in the District for this tomfoolery, I would brandish my cane at the audience assembled on the National Mall and scream, "GET OFF MY LAWN!"**

*Turns out it was Dr. Jill Biden

**GET OFF MY LAWN will premiere soon as part of an ongoing series on Excuse Me, is that your Blog? Our senior correspondent, Sober Pundit, will lament all that is wrong with "kids these days" and how their parents raised them improperly.

In classic EMITYB style, I come to you three days late with my reactions to Tuesday night’s election. I mean fuck it, it doesn’t have to be timely if it’s snarky, right?

Anyway, so it’s official. The terrorists have won. As one distraught American (my aunt) put it, “it’s a shame our children will have to be raised socialists and all our babies will be killed.” Yes, folks, Barack Obama is or 44th president. Enjoy these last few months of freedom, because the Red Dawn is upon us.


As I sat and watched CNN interview Will.I.Am on their fancy Star Trek hologram machine I realized for certain that this was going to be a new America (Personally, I feel like if CNN was going to interview someone so fucking insignificant and irrelevant to the election, and it had to be a Black Eyed Pea, it would have been much funnier to have Fergie there, stung out on crystal meth and wetting her pants while attempting to enumerate the virtues of an Obama presidency). After watching president-for-life-elect Obama deliver the first of his many victory speeches to the new American proletariat in Chicago, I dashed downstairs an took the first cab I could find to Coruscant/The White House to participate in the felling of the statue of Palpatine and then headed out to the drunken Ewok afterparty watched over by the floating apparitions Lincoln, FDR and JFK.




In clebration of such an historic event, word has it that within the next couple of weeks, every American will receive an Obama care package in the mail, in lieu of an economic stimulus check. It will be his first attempt to spread the “wealth,” while safely guarding all the nation’s food, money, rubies and gold to finance the construction of gay communist madrassahs across the country for early indoctrination of our children. The care package will contain:

• 1 bottle chardonnay
• 1 voucher for fresh, organic arugula at the closest local farmer’s market
• 1 iPod nano, special FEIST edition
• 1 MacBook Pro
• 1 literary starter two-pack containing Mao’s “Little Red Book” and the Koran
• Lifetime subscription to Pravda, The New York Times
  
• 1 Che Guevara Fathead

Damn this recession sucks balls. I’m no economist, but I am a normal tax-paying citizen who has been financially ass-raped over the course the past year. And that’s without a car! Because of the Bush administration’s hatred of all things science and research, my think tank could only afford to give me a measly 4% pay raise this summer. Meanwhile everything from veggie burgers to tampons have risen in price, and I’ve had to become a lot less picky about what I put in both orifices. It’s been so bad I had to take a second job tutoring for the SATs. But even that hasn’t helped much. Everyone is suffering from this recession, which means there are fewer families that can afford tutors. And tutoring is the only reasonably paying second job available for someone with no experience waiting tables and too much self respect to resort to prostitution.

My financial distress has major repercussions. I have to move out of my apartment because I can no longer afford the rent. Hopefully I’ll be able to find a place that accepts cats and isn’t roach-infested or void of natural sunlight (or worst of all, located in the Commonwealth of Virginia - no offense to my co-authors). I don’t have the money to buy local organic foods, as I would like; ramen is now a staple rather than a last resort. I imagine many other environmentally conscious consumers have also had to compromise their morals for their survival, which means less money is going to honest and decent farmers trying to make a living without suckling the USDA teat. I am unable to go to many concerts, movies, or other economy-stimulating activities. And, what’s probably the most frustrating consequence at this particular moment – I have to take the Chinatown bus to Philadelphia to visit my parents because I cannot shell out $100 for Amtrak. I’m on the bus as I write this post, wobbling precariously to and fro on the Baltimore Turnpike as the stench of BO and urine permeates the air. I wish they served beer – not that I could afford one.


I don’t want it to sound as though I am whining. I realize I am probably spoiled compared to many other Americans that are suffering more severely from the recession. I have a decent job and a roof over my head (for now) and food in my tummy (for now). I am only sharing my story because I think a lot of people can relate - People like me who were too young during the last recession to actually feel it personally, and who grew up with the promise that if we went to college and tired our best, we’d be better off than previous generations. Well now we’re not kids anymore, and our university campuses no longer shelter us. Now we’re in the real world, and in a real economic downtown, and it fucking hurts like hell.

I can’t help but look to the presidential race for answers in this time of need. I realize that no one person can control the entire economy, but where is that prosperity and opportunity that President Bush promised us in 2000? It certainly hasn’t “trickled down” to me, and with the financial crisis on Wall Street it looks like it hasn’t even lasted for the richest of the rich. Is our economy in such bad shape because we’re squandering money in Iraq? Did a lack of regulation cause the financial market to go belly-up? Did the tax cuts for the wealthy merely result in less income for the government instead of reinvestment in the economy? I have a feeling a combination of all these factors has conspired to bring about our current situation. Again, I’m no expert. But I know one thing for certain – Bush’s way obviously doesn’t work. If it did, I’d be on an Amtrak train right now sipping on a Bloody Mary. Normal folks like us are getting screwed under the current system. And there’s a not a lick of difference between Bush and McCain. They both have the same staunch philosophy of no government, no taxes, no spending, and no regulation, ever. Except for unnecessary and ill-planned wars, in which case let’s spend like drunken sailors and castigate anyone who disagrees with us. Oh yeah, and your bedroom. They definitely want government all up in that. Don’t have sex unless it’s for the sole purpose of procreation, in the context of a heterosexual Church-sanctioned marriage. And whatever you do, don’t be gay! Who cares if you’re dirt poor, as long as them damn homosexuals aren’t prancing around the streets?

Seriously? Do we really need another second of this bullshit, let alone 4 more years?

I’m not arguing that Barack Obama is a miracle worker. I don’t expect things to magically get better overnight. But for fuck’s sake, after 8 years of failure on everything from the economy to foreign policy, don’t we at least deserve a chance to make it better? We need to go in a different, more promising direction. If nothing else, Barack Obama represents a new worldview, which is sorely needed at this time. I can’t live off of ramen for the rest of my life, and the US food market won’t sustain itself if everyone is buying ramen from China. And not to keep knocking on China, but this bus is sketchtastic.

So please, vote for Barack Obama. After all, voting is free. We can definitely afford that. But we can’t afford another Republican president. Trickle down economics is just as it sounds - piss - like the smell of a Chinatown bus.