It’s that time a year again, when families relax by the fire to commemorate the holiday season and sip hot cocoa while reflecting on the year gone by. But this year, things are different. It’s not about Christmas or Chanukah or Kwanza or some amorphous, politically correct “Holiday.” This year, the world can gather together to celebrate OBAMADAN.
In the tradition of other made-up holidays like Festivus, we here at EMITYB are proud to bring you our newly founded holiday. So gather ‘round, children, as we recount the miracle of Obamadan.
Details of the Obamadan legend are fuzzy, but historians have built a consensus based on the following account:
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away (Hawaii), the world was in peril. War raged, energy was scarce and cholera was taking its toll. A young woman with child walked the streets of in search of a place to bear her offspring, a child that was destined to be The Chosen One. His fate was foretold by Thomas Jefferson’s hazy vision 200 years ago, that may or may not have been opium-induced. The father was back in his native Kenya, having abandoned the woman to give birth and raise the child alone. Lacking health care, the woman searched long and hard for an inn rather than a hospital, but alas, every last Motel 6 had lit its “NO Vacancy” sign. It was at the bleak Ayers Compound that the woman finally found refuge, and, yea, her child was birthed amidst a kindling of straw and Marxist literature. It was a strong child, wrapped in swaddling clothes, donning a Che Guevara hat, and bearing the mark of the Savior. Visitors came from far and wide, bearing gifts of gold, frankincense and biodeisel fuel. Corn-fed cows from the monoculture farms of Iowa kept the baby warm. This child, “The Obama”, would be our shining light.
The Obama grew to be a strong boy and a skilled carpenter, lending his craft to a slew of LEED certified high-density, mixed-use, transit-oriented developments. He worked for approximately one month, and then decided he was better suited for managerial duties rather than manual labor. He also had one bitch of a splinter. Both the pain from the splinter and his passion for helping the underdog inspired him to organize his former coworkers in a lifelong campaign against “The Man”. The Obama would go on to win the adoration and admiration of many followers, and eventually defeated The Man in an apocalyptical showdown for the presidency. Soon he will rule the world from his sacred Temple at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in the District of Columbia.
Obamadan is a month-long celebration held every year in honor of The Obama, culminating on January 20th. It is a festive holiday marked by indulgence and revelry, symbolizing the bounty brought to us by The Obama’s hard work over the years. Unlike most holidays that encourage self-sacrifice, those who participate in Obamadan are encouraged to “slow” over the course of the month, meaning they should eat constantly throughout the day at a slow speed. During Obamadan, it is improper to NOT drink every night after the sun goes down. In fact, some bars are starting to recognize the growing number of Obamadan supporters and vowing to stay open until 5am during the height of the festivities.
On each day of Obamadan, believers light Change Candles to signify The Obama’s victory over The Man. On the eve of the final night of the celebration, children leave a plate of organic carob-chip cookies and a warm mug of soy milk under their Hope Shrubberis in anticipation of a visit from Obamaclause. Obamaclause is the embodiment of The Obama’s good will, and is said to fly around the world in his hybrid sled led by a team of eight free-range reindeer every January 19th to deliver MacBooks, welfare checks, and New York Times Magazines to all the good little boys and girls. The bad kids, however, will receive a lump of clean coal.
In the tradition of other made-up holidays like Festivus, we here at EMITYB are proud to bring you our newly founded holiday. So gather ‘round, children, as we recount the miracle of Obamadan.
Details of the Obamadan legend are fuzzy, but historians have built a consensus based on the following account:
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away (Hawaii), the world was in peril. War raged, energy was scarce and cholera was taking its toll. A young woman with child walked the streets of in search of a place to bear her offspring, a child that was destined to be The Chosen One. His fate was foretold by Thomas Jefferson’s hazy vision 200 years ago, that may or may not have been opium-induced. The father was back in his native Kenya, having abandoned the woman to give birth and raise the child alone. Lacking health care, the woman searched long and hard for an inn rather than a hospital, but alas, every last Motel 6 had lit its “NO Vacancy” sign. It was at the bleak Ayers Compound that the woman finally found refuge, and, yea, her child was birthed amidst a kindling of straw and Marxist literature. It was a strong child, wrapped in swaddling clothes, donning a Che Guevara hat, and bearing the mark of the Savior. Visitors came from far and wide, bearing gifts of gold, frankincense and biodeisel fuel. Corn-fed cows from the monoculture farms of Iowa kept the baby warm. This child, “The Obama”, would be our shining light.
The Obama grew to be a strong boy and a skilled carpenter, lending his craft to a slew of LEED certified high-density, mixed-use, transit-oriented developments. He worked for approximately one month, and then decided he was better suited for managerial duties rather than manual labor. He also had one bitch of a splinter. Both the pain from the splinter and his passion for helping the underdog inspired him to organize his former coworkers in a lifelong campaign against “The Man”. The Obama would go on to win the adoration and admiration of many followers, and eventually defeated The Man in an apocalyptical showdown for the presidency. Soon he will rule the world from his sacred Temple at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in the District of Columbia.
Obamadan is a month-long celebration held every year in honor of The Obama, culminating on January 20th. It is a festive holiday marked by indulgence and revelry, symbolizing the bounty brought to us by The Obama’s hard work over the years. Unlike most holidays that encourage self-sacrifice, those who participate in Obamadan are encouraged to “slow” over the course of the month, meaning they should eat constantly throughout the day at a slow speed. During Obamadan, it is improper to NOT drink every night after the sun goes down. In fact, some bars are starting to recognize the growing number of Obamadan supporters and vowing to stay open until 5am during the height of the festivities.
On each day of Obamadan, believers light Change Candles to signify The Obama’s victory over The Man. On the eve of the final night of the celebration, children leave a plate of organic carob-chip cookies and a warm mug of soy milk under their Hope Shrubberis in anticipation of a visit from Obamaclause. Obamaclause is the embodiment of The Obama’s good will, and is said to fly around the world in his hybrid sled led by a team of eight free-range reindeer every January 19th to deliver MacBooks, welfare checks, and New York Times Magazines to all the good little boys and girls. The bad kids, however, will receive a lump of clean coal.
Happy Obamadan, from all of us here at EMITYB.
