In classic EMITYB style, I come to you three days late with my reactions to Tuesday night’s election. I mean fuck it, it doesn’t have to be timely if it’s snarky, right?
Anyway, so it’s official. The terrorists have won. As one distraught American (my aunt) put it, “it’s a shame our children will have to be raised socialists and all our babies will be killed.” Yes, folks, Barack Obama is or 44th president. Enjoy these last few months of freedom, because the Red Dawn is upon us.
As I sat and watched CNN interview Will.I.Am on their fancy Star Trek hologram machine I realized for certain that this was going to be a new America (Personally, I feel like if CNN was going to interview someone so fucking insignificant and irrelevant to the election, and it had to be a Black Eyed Pea, it would have been much funnier to have Fergie there, stung out on crystal meth and wetting her pants while attempting to enumerate the virtues of an Obama presidency). After watching president-for-life-elect Obama deliver the first of his many victory speeches to the new American proletariat in Chicago, I dashed downstairs an took the first cab I could find to Coruscant/The White House to participate in the felling of the statue of Palpatine and then headed out to the drunken Ewok afterparty watched over by the floating apparitions Lincoln, FDR and JFK.
In clebration of such an historic event, word has it that within the next couple of weeks, every American will receive an Obama care package in the mail, in lieu of an economic stimulus check. It will be his first attempt to spread the “wealth,” while safely guarding all the nation’s food, money, rubies and gold to finance the construction of gay communist madrassahs across the country for early indoctrination of our children. The care package will contain:
- 1 bottle chardonnay
- 1 voucher for fresh, organic arugula at the closest local farmer’s market
- 1 iPod nano, special FEIST edition
- 1 MacBook Pro
- 1 literary starter two-pack containing Mao’s “Little Red Book” and the Koran
- Lifetime subscription to Pravda, The New York Times
- 1 Che Guevara Fathead
We can only hope this modest lot will prepare us for our journey. Strap yourselves in, Comrades, the there’s a long march ahead.
