And now, for a dialogue between out two esteemed authors:
Erin: dogs in bathtub
Hey did you hear about that new recovery bill?
Phil: nope
Erin: Tim Geithner can stimulate my economy any day
Phil: I've spent the last two months extraordinarily renditioned in and undisclosed Eastern European prison
Erin: No way, really?
Phil: yeah, what the fuck have you been doing and why haven't there been any posts since Obamadan?
Erin: Well back to the Treasury Bill, so it's like this:
Reagan had trickle down economics
Now Obama/Geither have "laxative" economics
They are basically pumping money into the economy to try to move its bowels
Phil: um
eew
Erin: Well I know it's gross but it's the best way to explain it
Phil: so, aren't you even curious as to how my experience was in a super-secret CIA prison?
Erin: Geithner still thinks it's a liquidity crisis
He's so wrong. The banks are insolvent, yo
But he wants to throw more money at Wall Street and all these failing banks, hopefully they eventually take a hot steamy dump on us
Phil: ooh
like an economic Cleveland Steamer
I could get behind that
er
on top of that?
whichever
Erin: Ew, stop!
Phil: either way, that shit is gross
Erin: Seriously
I don't know if this plan will work, but I know that Tim Geither is hot and I would totally hit that
Phil: dude
that guy looks like the creep museum curator motherfucker in Ghostbusters 2
Janosh
Erin: You look like Slimer
Phil: I keep expecting a Geithner press conference where he's standing in front of a giant painting of an evil Carpathian god
ok so anyway, back to my rendition
Erin: Ooooooooooooooooh and then this batshit insane woman had octoplets, and she already has 6 kids! And she has no job! meanwhile, she's had mad plastic surgery to look like Angelina.
Phil: bitch...
I got tortured and shit
Erin: Yeah she is whack.
I was tortured too
By Pope Benedict's stupidity
First he lets a Nazi back into the church, then he says condoms don't work
What a turd
Phil: didn't our blog used to be about DC?
Erin: Oh, and speaking of torture, Guantanamo Bay is closing and they're trying to figure out what to do with all the "enemy combatants"
But they were all waterboarded and now their testimony is questionable
So it's a hot steamy mess
Phil: waterboarding sucks
Erin: Kind of like the economic package
Phil: I was treated as an enemy combatant
I think Cheney's got some rogue operation running in Turkmenistan or something
seriously, I have no idea where I was
Erin: Oh that's why you haven't posted. That makes sense. Well now you're back, so post already.
Phil: wait, what the christ was your excuse?
Erin: I had Seasonal Affective Disorder. I was too depressed to post. I spent most of January, February, and March in my bed
Phil: oh...
well
I feel like kind of a douche now
Erin: why?
Phil: uh, well, I wasn't really extraordinarily renditioned
I was just being a lazy slob
Erin: OMFG that is so unfair
Okay, I have a confession
Phil: ok
Erin: The real reason I didn't post is because I'm a lazy slob too
Phil: well
I like my story better
Erin: I was just trying to make you feel bad with the whole SAD thing
Phil: well my story involved delusions of grandeur that assumed I was important enough to be extraordinarily renditioned by some shadow Cheney government
plus like I'm even capable of being sad at this point
whatevs
Erin: He is such an anus face. I hate him. But he's not as bad as that fat-ass greasy drug-addicted blowhard Rush Limbaugh.
He looks like HE was extradorniary renditioned to Eastern Europe
Phil: only if Europe was made of cheeseburgers an he ate it
Erin: But the liberals are just as bad. Nancy Pelosi looks like Michael Jackson
No wait, I meant Joan Rivers
Phil: either way, she probably touches chirldren
Erin: She should put on a gold robot suit and start sassing off
Phil: hehe
Erin: Oh by the did you do your taxes yet?
Phil: FUCK
fucking
fuck
Erin: No wait, don't do it
Phil: why?
Erin: If you want a job in the Obama administration, you have to NOT pay taxes
Phil: ah
brilliant!
oh ya know what else?
MARCH MADNESS
OMG
Erin: whut?
Yeah, I'm MAD that March's weather won't stop sucking
Is that what you mean?
Phil: something like that
Erin: Oh you know what else sucks?
Phil: what?
Erin: Guess
Phil: um
communists?
hippies?
Erin: Well yeah, they all suck
But Metro takes the cake
There was train derailment on the red line. It took me 75 hours to get home
Phil: I derailed your mom
HOLLA
Erin: Oh snap, no you didn't!
Okay that's the point in the conversation where I say adios
Phil: dude you know what would be fucking great?
Erin: Tim Geithner naked press conference?
Phil: um
eew
no
but I was gonna say, if we just copied and pasted this whole chat and tried to pass it off as our grand re-opening post
people would fucking love that
Erin: Booya!
That works well with our laziness
Fucking a, why does Obama keep addressing the nation?
Phil: I dunno, but every time that dude is on TV, I get "Cult of Personality" stuck in my head
Erin: Jello Biafra
Phil: WTF?
Erin: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jello_Biafra
But actually he was in Dead Kennedys, not Living Colour
But I digress...time for bed. Good night!
Phil: um
night
Welcome by to the new and improved "Excuse Me, Is That Your Blog?" Super huge special thanks to Adam for the bitchin' site redesign! Hope you all enjoy it! Maybe we'll update more than once every three months this time. No promises.
Extraordinary Renditions: the "Tim Geithner can stimulate my economy" Edition (and a GRAND re-opening)
Rarely can an event as historic as yesterday’s inauguration of Barack Obama be summed up with one word. But this one is easy: clusterfuck. Never have I been a part of such a piss-poorly managed event in my entire life.
Y'all are crazy: A rebuttal by a crotchety old cynic, aka Sober Pundit
While Turk and El Braixan foolishly ventured into the Arctic weather and smothering throng of tourons to catch a glimpse of Obama on a jumbotron, I watched the proceedings unfold from the comfort of my friends' couch in Sherman Oaks. That's right folks, I escaped to Los Angeles to avoid the aforementioned hot mess. Or shall I say, "cold mess?" As my colleagues waited in unbearably long lines to be ceremoniously examined by security guards, or to take a piss, I relaxed in my pajamas, sipping freshly brewed coffee and making goofy faces at my friends' adorable 14-month-old son. Sure they got to experience history in the making, which is the same reason the damn fools took a cab from Arlington to the White House on Election Night to drunkenly belt the National Anthem with some fratboys from GW. But there are few things an old fart (I'm 29) like me despises more than crowds, cold weather, and lack of immediate access to a clean bathroom. Nosiree, I'd rather stay home and watch the President-elect and Chief Justice fumble the oath of office close up on a Television screen, with Wolf Blitzer and that prematurely grey homosexual man explaining everything in detail so I don't have to constantly ask, "What did he say? Who's that tramp dressed like a woman for hire?"* If'n I were unfortunate enough to be stuck in the District for this tomfoolery, I would brandish my cane at the audience assembled on the National Mall and scream, "GET OFF MY LAWN!"**
*Turns out it was Dr. Jill Biden
**GET OFF MY LAWN will premiere soon as part of an ongoing series on Excuse Me, is that your Blog? Our senior correspondent, Sober Pundit, will lament all that is wrong with "kids these days" and how their parents raised them improperly.
In the tradition of other made-up holidays like Festivus, we here at EMITYB are proud to bring you our newly founded holiday. So gather ‘round, children, as we recount the miracle of Obamadan.
Details of the Obamadan legend are fuzzy, but historians have built a consensus based on the following account:
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away (Hawaii), the world was in peril. War raged, energy was scarce and cholera was taking its toll. A young woman with child walked the streets of in search of a place to bear her offspring, a child that was destined to be The Chosen One. His fate was foretold by Thomas Jefferson’s hazy vision 200 years ago, that may or may not have been opium-induced. The father was back in his native Kenya, having abandoned the woman to give birth and raise the child alone. Lacking health care, the woman searched long and hard for an inn rather than a hospital, but alas, every last Motel 6 had lit its “NO Vacancy” sign. It was at the bleak Ayers Compound that the woman finally found refuge, and, yea, her child was birthed amidst a kindling of straw and Marxist literature. It was a strong child, wrapped in swaddling clothes, donning a Che Guevara hat, and bearing the mark of the Savior. Visitors came from far and wide, bearing gifts of gold, frankincense and biodeisel fuel. Corn-fed cows from the monoculture farms of Iowa kept the baby warm. This child, “The Obama”, would be our shining light.
The Obama grew to be a strong boy and a skilled carpenter, lending his craft to a slew of LEED certified high-density, mixed-use, transit-oriented developments. He worked for approximately one month, and then decided he was better suited for managerial duties rather than manual labor. He also had one bitch of a splinter. Both the pain from the splinter and his passion for helping the underdog inspired him to organize his former coworkers in a lifelong campaign against “The Man”. The Obama would go on to win the adoration and admiration of many followers, and eventually defeated The Man in an apocalyptical showdown for the presidency. Soon he will rule the world from his sacred Temple at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in the District of Columbia.
Obamadan is a month-long celebration held every year in honor of The Obama, culminating on January 20th. It is a festive holiday marked by indulgence and revelry, symbolizing the bounty brought to us by The Obama’s hard work over the years. Unlike most holidays that encourage self-sacrifice, those who participate in Obamadan are encouraged to “slow” over the course of the month, meaning they should eat constantly throughout the day at a slow speed. During Obamadan, it is improper to NOT drink every night after the sun goes down. In fact, some bars are starting to recognize the growing number of Obamadan supporters and vowing to stay open until 5am during the height of the festivities.
On each day of Obamadan, believers light Change Candles to signify The Obama’s victory over The Man. On the eve of the final night of the celebration, children leave a plate of organic carob-chip cookies and a warm mug of soy milk under their Hope Shrubberis in anticipation of a visit from Obamaclause. Obamaclause is the embodiment of The Obama’s good will, and is said to fly around the world in his hybrid sled led by a team of eight free-range reindeer every January 19th to deliver MacBooks, welfare checks, and New York Times Magazines to all the good little boys and girls. The bad kids, however, will receive a lump of clean coal.
...without a dope post to step to.
So Turk and I have been unbelievably busy at the think tank that shall not be named. But we're back and we're revving up a couple bad-ass pieces to launch this holiday season.
First, you thought Festivus was cool, wait until you experience OBAMADAN!!!
Then, forget Time Magazine's "Person of the Year", we're going to unveil ITYB's "Asshat of the Year" for 2008. We'd love your input! Vote for your favorite moron in our new poll.
One of the most groundbreaking discoveries in public health research was John Snow’s 1854 study on the cholera epidemic in London, in which he traced the disease to a contaminated water supply. Snow’s findings prompted the construction of new sewage systems and advancements in hygienic practices throughout the developed world. Unfortunately, 1.1 billion people still lack access to safe water and 2.6 billion live in areas without proper sanitation.[1] Cholera and other preventable infectious diseases continue to plague (and yes, THE plague is still around believe it or not) third world countries in Africa and Southwest Asia. The World Health Organization, which has a hilarious way of spelling “diarrhea” (diarrhoea), reported over 130,000 cases of cholera in 2005[2].
In the past few months, a severe cholera outbreak has emerged in Zimbabwe. The country has been experiencing major political turmoil since a hotly contested campaign between Robert Mugabe and Morgan Tsvangirai in March. While the later won more votes, he did not secure the 50% needed for a conclusive victory, prompting a runoff election this summer. However reports of corruption, intimidation, and suppression on the part of Mugabe loyalists caused Tsvangirai to pull out of the election. Despite calls for resignation from fellow African leaders, and sanctions from Western nations, Mugabe refuses to concede. As he clutches to power, infrastructure and services in the country have been deteriorating, hence the current sanitation problems causing the cholera epidemic.
It is reprehensible that in 2008, with all the advances in modern medicine, there should be even one case of diseases like cholera, let alone thousands. While Americans are dying from “Western” diseases of overconsumption, such as diabetes, people in third world nations are dying from viruses that have been completely eradicated in developed nations. It makes me furious. In fact I’m burning mad, almost as if I had cholera myself.
The US has basically been mum while Mugabe has presided over a dictatorship of hyperinflation and epidemic, leaving the people of Zimbabwe economically and physically decimated. If our rational behind the war in Iraq was to free the Iraqi people from the atrocities of Saddam Hussein, why aren’t we equally if not more concerned about Mugabe’s misdeeds? Well, as Kanye West once opined, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.” We haven’t intervened in the abhorrent violence and abuse taking place right now in the Sudan or Democratic Republic of Congo, so why should Zimbabwe deserve special attention? It reminds me of the George Washington video that was a YouTube sensation a couple years ago, in which our first president is depicted reading a newspaper while a lion devours a British kid. We’ll save children, but not the African children.
I hope that our first African-American president will get in touch with his Kenyan roots and have sympathy for a continent that suffers more than the average American can even comprehend. Instead of sending our troops to pillage for oil in countries that pose no threat to our security, we should deploy them strategically to help the truly defenseless people in third-world nations like Zimbabwe. Dictatorships like Mugabe’s are the real weapons of mass destruction, as they wreck infrastructure and economies and perpetuate abject poverty. We can’t call ourselves the champions of freedom when we pick our battles so discriminately.
[1] World Health Organization. The world health report 2007: a safer future: global public health security in the 21st century. http://www.who.int/whr/2007/whr07_en.pdf.
[2] World Health Organization. Weekly epidemiological record. 4 AUGUST 2006, No. 31, 2006, 81, 297–308.
So the Sober Pundit and I were talking today about how the christ we're going to get home for Thanksgiving. We were lamenting the lack of reasonably priced transit options for car-free individuals. It sucks for me, because I basically have to rely on friends with cars to get back to Cleveland unless I wanna shell out $300 bucks for a plane ticket or spend nearly as much on the goddamn Amtrak only to arrive six hours late and drunk off booze bought by some crazy AWOL Army man (true story). SP's got it a bit easier, being from Philly, but her options aren't much better. Not wanting to deal with the trials an tribulations of the Chinatown bus, she's decided to take the Greyhound. Here's to hoping her fear of being stabbed, decapitated and eaten doesn't come to fruition.
I really do enjoy living without a car here in DC, but there are certain times like these when it would be really nice to have one and not have to get raped paying for inefficient, shitty transit options. A rational person would tell me to suck it up and acknowledge that this is the price I pay for embracing and relying on mass transit without owning a car. But fuck that, I'm gonna bitch anyway.
The US really needs to get its shit together when it comes to transit. As much as I hate to admit it, those snobby European pricks got it right a lot sooner than we did on this front. Of course it was probably easy for them to focus on since the entire continent has produced nothing of significant cultural or economic value since before WWII (and don't try to present a rational argument to me about the Euro or any of that other pansy bullshit -- Europe basically exists to get bratty, self-entitled white kids out of their parents' hair during their college or post-college years).
So who can we look to to solve our transit woes? Well fear not, good citizens. Once The Obama comes to power and takes everyone’s cars and gives the highways back to nature, there will be a Metro straight from DC to anywhere we could possibly wanna go. Then we will still get pissed when we have to wait 19 goddamn minutes for the next Alabaster Line train to Seattle or when the trains to Mecca are packed on Obamadaan and they're only running four-cars.
Getting home for the holidays will be that much sweeter.
In classic EMITYB style, I come to you three days late with my reactions to Tuesday night’s election. I mean fuck it, it doesn’t have to be timely if it’s snarky, right?
Anyway, so it’s official. The terrorists have won. As one distraught American (my aunt) put it, “it’s a shame our children will have to be raised socialists and all our babies will be killed.” Yes, folks, Barack Obama is or 44th president. Enjoy these last few months of freedom, because the Red Dawn is upon us.
As I sat and watched CNN interview Will.I.Am on their fancy Star Trek hologram machine I realized for certain that this was going to be a new America (Personally, I feel like if CNN was going to interview someone so fucking insignificant and irrelevant to the election, and it had to be a Black Eyed Pea, it would have been much funnier to have Fergie there, stung out on crystal meth and wetting her pants while attempting to enumerate the virtues of an Obama presidency). After watching president-for-life-elect Obama deliver the first of his many victory speeches to the new American proletariat in Chicago, I dashed downstairs an took the first cab I could find to Coruscant/The White House to participate in the felling of the statue of Palpatine and then headed out to the drunken Ewok afterparty watched over by the floating apparitions Lincoln, FDR and JFK.
In clebration of such an historic event, word has it that within the next couple of weeks, every American will receive an Obama care package in the mail, in lieu of an economic stimulus check. It will be his first attempt to spread the “wealth,” while safely guarding all the nation’s food, money, rubies and gold to finance the construction of gay communist madrassahs across the country for early indoctrination of our children. The care package will contain:
- 1 bottle chardonnay
- 1 voucher for fresh, organic arugula at the closest local farmer’s market
- 1 iPod nano, special FEIST edition
- 1 MacBook Pro
- 1 literary starter two-pack containing Mao’s “Little Red Book” and the Koran
- Lifetime subscription to Pravda, The New York Times
- 1 Che Guevara Fathead
We can only hope this modest lot will prepare us for our journey. Strap yourselves in, Comrades, the there’s a long march ahead.
