Excuse Me, Is That Your Blog?

As this blog's resident public health expert, it is only fitting that I address the current frenzy over the swine flu.  Reactions have run the gamut from incredulous skepticism that this is actually a cause for concern to fanatical hysteria that the end is nigh.  As it usually is, the truth is somewhere in between.  Here's the bottom line: act carefully, but not crazily.  

However, there is no need for the media-induced panic that has arisen among many people regarding the emergence of this illness.  First and foremost, the CDC is working diligently to address the swine flu oubreak, from testing passengers arriving from Mexico to the research and development of a vaccine.  And while I recognize that many people do not have faith in the government to respond effectively to an emergency, I urge you to keep in mind that the CDC is not FEMA. These are competent, scientific professionals who have been studying influenza for decades and assisting the federal, state, and local governments in pandemic preparednes.  There has been significant national funding for pandemic planning ever since the avian flu scare of 2003.  Through the Strategic National Stockpile program, we have supplies stored in secret locations throughout the country that will be available within 48 hours if activiated.  We are more ready than we ever have been to contain and mitigate pandemic influenza.  Secondly, thus far only the cases contracted in Mexico have proven to be fatal.  While the experts are still trying to determine exactly why the virus appears to be more serious in Mexico versus  other countries, the fact remains that Americans who have been affected by the illness have recovered or in the process of recovering.   Moreover, this strain of flu present in the American cases has demonstrated succeptibility to antiviral medication.  Finally, it is relatively easy to protect yourself from swine fu.  If you follow these simple rules suggested by the CDC, you will significantly reduce the likelihood of transmission.  It basically comes down to washing your hands for 30 seconds (the length of the Happy Birthday song for a frame of reference) on a regular basis, coughing or sneezing into a tissue or your sleeve, using common sense in avoiding large social gatherings if you think you are sick, and not making out with and dry-humping people you suspect may have the illness.  

In a nutshell: YOU WILL NOT GET SWINE FLU IF YOU USE YOUR HEAD, AND EVEN IF YOU DO YOU WILL GET A PRESCRIPTION FOR TAMIFLU FROM A DOCTOR AND YOU WILL PROBABLY BE OKAY.

It is imperative that people understand this message, and they they get their messages from a reliable source.  I recommend sticking with the CDC's information through its swine flu website or Twitter feed, or by subcribing to its Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report (MMWR), where I got most of the information provided in this post (note: it will also alert you of random public health events and phenomena such as National Folic Acid Awareness Day and the prevalance of injuries related to people tripping over cats and dogs).  Steer clear of Wolf Blitzer and other fearmongers in the media.  Remember, they profit off of scaring you!  I've heard all kinds of rumors over the past week, including the myth that humans can catch swine flu from eating pork.  Frankly I don't know why you'd want to eat Babe in the first place, but recognizing that many people have different dietary preferences than me, it should be emphasized that THERE IS NO LINK BETWEEN EATING PORK AND CONTRACTING SWINE FLU.  This is what happens when people listen to morning radio and watch Fox News.  Have a little bit of faith that the experts at CDC know what they are doing and have your best interest in mind - otherwise why would they be working for a big government bureacracy on limited salaries?  

If you are a worry wart, and I admit that I am, just take some simple precautions like stocking up on bottled water and non-perishable food and purchasing N-95 respirators from your local hardware store.  I have developed my own "social distancing" plan that involves working from home as often as possible and coming in late when I work at the office to avoid peak Metro crowds.  This strategy coincides nicely with my normal life in which I am lazy and despise mornings.  If it really makes you feel better, go ahead and plan for a big pandemic.  

Regardless of your fear level, you should be following the basic CDC guidelines for protection.  But in no case should you panic.  Frankly, stress weakens your immune system and makes you even more vulnerable.  Act carefully, not crazilly.

It would be inexcusable for the writers of Excuse Me, Is That Your Blog to ignore an event taking place in our beloved DC that includes two of our favorite things: hating on the government and penis references. Of course I am talking about the infamous “teabagging” rally at the White House today, in which hundreds of disgruntled taxpayers tried to recreate the Boston Tea Party, minus Sam Adams, Native American costumes, and a worthwhile cause.

The demonstration went off about as smoothly as one can expect any teabagging to be executed. Protestors planned to dump tea into the Potomac River and Lafayette Square, only to learn that such shenanigans are in fact illegal. (Frankly, I think the filthy Potomac could benefit from the antioxidant quality of tea, but I guess overly caffeinated fish would be somewhat frightening.) Teabaggers were also supposed to gather in front of the Treasury Building (Hey Tim. Tax day must be rough for you. Call me!) to listen to the inspiring words of delusional presidential candidate and Borat victim, Alan Keyes. However they didn’t foresee that disrupting traffic in the middle of a work day in the nation’s capital might require a permit, and failed to obtain one.

Despite the logistical setbacks, and the miserable weather, the teabaggers soldiered on and held a rally in front of the White House. Unfortunately the protesters couldn’t even get this part right, because one overly zealous malcontent threw a box of tea onto the White House lawn. This of course prompted the Secret Service, concerned that first dog Bo would get into the stash and leave them a runny mess to clean, to disperse the crowd. The utter failure of the occasion did not dampen the protestors’ spirits. Humorously, Rebecca Wales, local organizer of the teabaggers claimed, "This is the largest grass-roots demonstration in history.” Oh honey, you don’t get out much, do you?

Aside from the fact that teabaggers poorly planned and managed their premiere event, their very purpose is questionable at best. Ostensibly, the protestors are decrying irresponsible government spending and taxation. Yet they are mostly comprised of conservatives who supported Bush, the drunkest sailor of a spender in American history (he would have fallen off the boat at the tea party). I’m a libertarian, and I hate taxes as much as any of these teabaggers. But the thing is, Obama has CUT taxes. I am by no means blown away by the additional $20 in my last 2 paychecks, but it’s better than nothing. I’m sure the protestors benefited from the extra Jackson in purchasing posterboard and markers for their fancy rally signs. And even if Obama is putting a Boston Harbor full of taxpayer money into the stimulus package, at least he is funding laudable projects instead of an unnecessary war. In fact, it is conceivable that the government will reap returns on investments such as renewable energy, thus further lowering the burden to taxpayers.

So teabag away, Obama haters. You’ll ultimately be the ones on the wrong side of history looking like, to use another popular slang word, douchebags.

Just wanted to chime in here on E Murf's piece, partly because I'm an attention whore and partly because I wanna say she's dead on. In fact, I think we should go further. Metro itself is the source of too many transgressions lately for us to give them a pass.

First and foremost, especially in the context of the record fare increases E Murf mentioned, I want someone to explain to me why the christ I should ever be waiting more than four minutes for a train during peak hours. If it is between 3p and 7p and I'm being charged the maximum fare, there's no fucking reasonable excuse for me to have to wait ten minutes just to board a train to Rosslyn, where I will inevitable be crammed into an overcrowded train full of stinky bastards. One morning, I watched four Vienna-bound trains pass by before one New Carrolton train came. I can't remember a day when the escalators at all points in my commute -- all three stations -- actually worked. This wouldn't be such a huge problem if Metro wasn't so inept as to fail to label broken escalators and prevent people from trying to walk up AND down the same ones. Furthermore, I can't believe how terrible some of these drivers are. Why the fuck is it necessary to lurch forward inch-by-inch when there's another train stopped ahead, inducing nausea in all the passengers and making them fall all over each other? Why not just, ya know, fucking stop for a minute and let the train ahead move before you start moving?

An administration as inept as Metro's current one is never going to fix all of these problems, but I've got a suggestion for a good start: replace all the drivers with computers, and re-train the drivers as E Murf's suggested "pollution policemen." That way, everyone keeps their jobs, Metro makes money, and less people want to vomit during rush hour rides. As for the other problems? I got nothing. But that's not really my schtick, is it? I'm just here to throw my hands up in the air, bitch about it really loudly, and hope that somebody with a more actionable degree does something about it.

P.S., to E Murf: re: people playing their iPods too loud... I think the early 90's said it best: if it's too loud, you're too old!

Like many businesses in this dismal economy, Metro is strapped for cash. Even with recent fare hikes and a surge in new riders due to high fuel costs, Metro’s financial situation is bleak. The deluge of tourons that descended upon our nation’s capital in January for The Obama’s inauguration, or the Cherry Blossom festival this month, may have provided a temporary boost in profits, but to survive in the long-term Metro will have to find another source of funding. I have a solution that will not only provide revenue, it will improve the quality of commuting for the half million riders in the DC area that depend on public transportation: Fine people who play their Ipods too loudly and people who wear too much cologne and/or perfume. These ignorant, inconsiderate, and quite frankly, disgusting people should be targeted with the same tenacity with which we are encouraged to report unattended bags.

Granted, the Metro brings out the worst in even the most sophisticated of men and women. We clamor and claw at one another to get on a certain train, knowing full well that another will follow approximately 2 minutes later. We curse at the oblivious tourists (and sometimes denizens) who stand in the left lane, jam the turnstiles because they can’t figure out how to put their damn fare card in the machine, and meander about aimlessly on the concourses, blocking us from the path to catch our connecting trains. But I believe that these reactions are a simple byproduct of the workaholic, competitive nature of DC residents. Once we actually board the train, we return to relative civility. We open up the Washington Post or a New York Times bestseller, and fall back into the comfort of our own invisible pods of self-absorption. Unfortunately, there are several among us who threaten the peaceful harmony that flourishes within the Metro trains, often making the atmosphere within the cars as chaotic and unpleasant as the struggle getting to the cars.

The first type of offender is the person who plays his/her Ipod at an unreasonably loud volume. They are called “personal” music devices for a reason: they are meant to be enjoyed privately without imposing on other people. One is not supposed to fire thunderous blasts of T.I. or Nickelback into the ears of other passengers. That’s right folks, as if it weren’t bad enough that I am distracted from my reading by the strident sounds from peoples’ headphones, the music is invariably in poor taste. But to be fair, and to set a good example, I believe that all Ipod/Walkman listeners should refrain from noise pollution and keep their music to themselves. It is disruptive to people trying to read, relax after a hard day at work, or even carry on a simple conversation. The other day I read the same paragraph 4 times because I could not concentrate with the shrill reverberations bursting forth from some asshole’s headphones. It was as if I had a boombox on my shoulder, but without the breakdancing. More importantly, noise pollution is pernicious to the health of others. In this respect it is similar to second-hand smoke. As a society we have agreed that if a person wants to contract lung cancer, then that is his or her right as an American citizen. But that person should not force others to bear the negative consequences of his or her unhealthy behavior. Likewise, if a person wants to render oneself deaf, he or she is entitled to do so. But that person should not destroy the hearing of others in the process. It is literally painful to bear the monstrous sounds sometimes; I can almost feel my ears bleeding. Noise pollution is a threat to peace of mind and the stability of the auditory senses.

The second type of Metro menace is the excessive cologne/perfume wearer. On what planet is it appealing to ward off a full-front assault on the olfactory system? A subtle dab of cologne, perfume, scented lotion, etc is acceptable, perhaps even attractive. But to douse oneself in a pungent substance like one bastes a turkey for Thanksgiving dinner is absolutely repulsive. It is literally nauseating, especially for people like me with allergies and asthma who have heightened sensitivity to strong, chemical-based odors. I had to leave a train last week because I was sick to my stomach, faint, and suffering a headache from one of these buffoons. It was as if the man swam 75 laps in an Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with Polo. I’ve had this happen on planes and elevators before, but the air pressure and filtering systems generally eliminate the noxious effects on planes, and elevator rides are short. Neither of these mitigating factors applies to the Metro system, at least not to us poor schleps who have to travel from Takoma Park to Arlington on a regular basis. I can’t imagine how one could completely lack awareness and/or concern for the fact that he or she is inducing nausea in fellow passengers. Olfactory pollution is a serious offense, and should be punished as such.

So what is Metro to do to thwart the reckless behavior of noise and olfactory polluters? It should do the same thing the federal government does with manufacturers that pollute the air and water: Tax Them! This solution is based on the simple economic concept of externalities. A firm takes its production costs and consumer preferences into consideration when it produces goods, ideally reaching a market equilibrium in which supply equals demand. But the firm does not account for the social costs of manufacturing which harm consumers, such as pollution. Therefore the actual consumer demand, and thus the socially optimum equilibrium, is lower than the privately optimum level. To make up for this difference – the externality imposed by the firm – the government charges a tax that reflects the difference between the socially and privately optimal prices. The tax revenues are then distributed back to the consumers via improved government services or tax cuts, which compensates for the noxious pollution they have to endure. Meanwhile, the burden of the tax deters firms from producing excessive pollution. Everyone is happy and the world is a better place.

Similarly, Metro should tax noise and olfactory polluters for the social costs they impose on other passengers. The tax should be equal to the difference between the socially and privately optimal levels of sound and smell. In an ideal situation, the offenders would pay these taxes at the time they purchase their cologne, perfume, or Ipod. However there is no way to predict a priori who will “pollute” and who will use these products responsibly, and we cannot rely on polluters to self-identify. Therefore I propose that Metro fine those who wear too much cologne and perfume, and those who listen to their Ipods too loudly. The fine should be equal to the average fare per rider * the average number of riders per train during high traffic hours (Approximately 8 AM-9PM). This is the fairest way to force polluters to take into consideration the comfort and welfare of other passengers. The process I envision is simple, though it will require some upfront costs. Here is the plan:

1) Metro assigns a “pollution policeman” for every train in service during high traffic hours.
2) The pollution policeman conducts regular “rounds”, patrolling up and down the center aisle of each car to listen and smell for polluters
3) If the pollution policeman can distinctly smell cologne or perfume, or hear noise from any headphones, he or she issues a ticket to the offender and takes a photograph of the offender.
4) The offender pays the ticket within 30 days, after which the fine increases and/or penalties are imposed.
5) Metro keeps a record of offenders with photographs and payment records. If any person has not paid within the 30 day window, Metro pollution policeman are authorized to order the offender to leave the train at the next stop, and alerts all other Metro policeman to look out for the offender and prevent him or her from riding any train. The offender will not be allowed to ride any Metro train until fines are paid.
6) The offender can appeal in a process similar to the traffic court process, but only with credible witnesses that testify under oath.

Of course this plan is not perfect, and like any public policy, there will be people who try to circumvent the law. But it is the most feasible and fair way to promote responsible and considerate commuting in DC. It will require hiring dozens of new staff, but it will also generate a considerable amount of income for Metro. After an initial round of reliable enforcement, the negative behavior will decrease and Metro pollution policemen can simply serve as a deterrent to maintain order in the Metro system. Eventually, Metro will be able to cut back on the pollution police force. At that time, the economy will have improved and/or Metro will have increased ridership and pollution policeman can be reassigned to expand services. After an initial surge in revenue from fines, income will decrease and plateau once people understand that Metro is serious about enforcing the pollution laws. However, the decrease in additional income will be offset by the corresponding increase in ridership, as commuters will be more likely to ride the train knowing the atmosphere is pleasant, as well as the adjustments in staff.

We the commuters of DC, in order to form a more perfect Metro, must take back our trains and rid them of unnecessary noise and smells. I urge you to contact your city councilperson immediately, write to Metro, and melodramatically demonstrate disapproval toward auditory and olfactory polluters. YES WE CAN go to work and return home headache and nausea free!